Assumptions


Assume

Assume (Photo credit: Brett Jordan)

This story is for any woman who has ever met a man who assumed he could have his way. As far as I am concerned, this is for any woman breathing.

It is very hard to write about all the presumption’s men make. I really want to narrow it down. So I thought about the most common. First, is sex. Second, is what we were put on this earth to do. Third, is assuming that we are helpless creatures. If I think of any more, I will write another piece.

My version of a man that assumes he can have his way.

Bob is the kind of person who thinks he is God’s gift to women. You know the type. He walks up to you in broad daylight, while you are busy doing something. It could be anything. Walking your dog, eating lunch, shopping, getting gas, who cares. Well guess what, he doesn‘t care either. Bob’s attire consists of baggy clothes, tilted hat and a very gaudy, fake, chain, possibly gold. He has some peach fuzz on his face. Don’t tell him that, he believes it is full-grown goatee. He probably cannot walk very well because his pants are hanging just above his kneecap. If you are not careful, you will get a glimpse of the spider-man boxers his mommy gave him for Christmas. Also, try not to fall for his pimped out 96′ Ford Taurus, with the large speakers in the back. He will have them so loud, that you might be surprised that his ears are not bleeding. Beware also of his custom spray paint job. Notice I did say spray paint. Therefore, this is Bob. I wanted to give you a clear picture of Bob. Let you know what you are up against.

So, here you are doing whatever and here he comes. Remember, he cannot walk, be aware of your surroundings and quickly move anything he cold trip on out of the way. You do not want him landing on you.
So, say you are eating. Of course, there are always two chairs at a table. Bob assumes that since you are alone, that chair is for him. So, he sits and as you almost choke on your sandwich, he says “What’s up baby.” as he nods his head upward. He thinks he’s a gangster. Depending on who you are and your attitude towards men you either attempt one of the following.
A- Push the chair out from under him and ask him what the fuck he thinks he is doing.
B- Tell ’Bob’ politely that if he does not remove himself from the chair, that your 44 magnum will.
C- Listen to him while he talks, this could be funny.
For conversation purpose, lets choose C.

“I said what’s up baby. You need a glass of water or something. I think you’re choking a little.”
After a few coughs and drying of your watery eyes, you say, “No thanks, I’m all right.”
“You sure, I could get you some water, it’s free.”
Bob is the type of guy who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He will eventually, but only after you yell at him. He has selective hearing.
“No thanks, I’ll be all right.”
You say that while staring at him with very cold eyes, and a hateful smirk. He will get the hint. Do not get confused though, he still assumes you want him, just not the water. We have to take things one at a time for Bob because he has a simple mind. So, you say to him, “What do you want?.”
“Well, I saw you sitting here and I thought ‘what is such a pretty thing doing eating all alone’?” “That’s not right.” “Someone like you should have a man beside her.”

“Really.”
“Why do you assume that I don’t have a man? Or that I even need a man. Maybe I am on a lunch break. Maybe my man is meeting up with me.”
“If I were your man, I would never leave your side. You’re way to fine.”
Right now, you should assume that Bob has some trust issues and maybe some stalker tendencies. Do not ever think that this assumption is wrong.
“Plus babe, I would never let you work. You’re too fine for that too.”
Here is where a red flag should always come up. Bob doesn’t look like a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or anybody in the hundred thousand a year and above range. Remember when he asked you if you wanted free water. Bob is broke. Bob is a ten grand a year guy. If he is pulling a hundred a year, he probably sells drugs, or stolen items. You don’t want that type of guy anyway. Not that you are looking, but please stray away from the prison hopefuls of tomorrow.

“What if I want a job? Are you going to keep me inside forever?”
“No way babe. You don’t have to stay inside forever. I got to take you out and show you off. You’re super fine. Also, fine girls don’t have jobs. You know what I mean?”
Here Bob assumes that only women that don’t appeal to him can work. He also assumes that you are some kind of trophy. Let us also not forget that Bob keeps calling you babe. He doesn’t even have the decency to ask you your name. He apparently thinks it is okay, that you don’t mind being called whatever Bob deems necessary.
Knowing Bob is a worthless bum, with some severe trust and abandonment issues, you decide to end the conversation. Which we should assume has gone on for too long. So, speaking as slowly and clearly as possible, you say,
“Listen, I’m sure you mean well by keeping me locked up. Fortunately, I like to roam free. You know what I mean?”
Bob is now confused. Don’t worry though he is used to being told no.
“I’m going to have to pass. See you later.”
As you say this, look at Bob firmly and do not move. It is like starring down an animal for food. He will eventually know how serious you are and walk away. Do not assume Bob will leave quietly. His self esteem is very fragile. He will need to redeem it by calling you something derogatory. Watch out for words like bitch, whore, and slut. You get the picture. Do not let this get to you. Remember, Bob has to drive his beat up 96’ Ford, with his awesome spray paint job, back home to his mommy’s house. She probably has dinner ready.

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Posted on December 24, 2011, in Random Writing. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I don’t normally comment but I gotta say appreciate it for the post on this special one :D.

    Like

    • Well I’m glad you liked the rant enough to comment. I love this rant. Of course, I’m biased – I wrote it, but I meet guys like this and they drive me crazy. Not a lot of men comment on this story, which is posted on another website. But it has five stars all the way. I wrote this after a bad day at work. It took about 30min to write. I love ranting. It’s so good for you. 🙂

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Like

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