This rant is not finished and has many grammar errors. However, as rants go, it was written in an angry fashion. I would never expect a rant to be grammaticly perfect, that’s why it’s a rant. I have many hang-ups about driving. My husband says I should let it go. This is my way of letting go. 🙂

I was driving the other day and came across the most incompetent drivers ever. Drivers who couldn’t and wouldn’t merge.

Drivers who couldn’t or just simply refused to use turn signals.

Drivers who don’t use their mirrors. And last but not least, drivers who just couldn’t drive. It’s quite shameful they were even on the road. Pitiful, what I witnessed was pitiful. That’s why I am composing this rant.

First, I would like to state that I have driven in many states and cities. All of which have their share of horrible drivers. Miami, being the city that, in my opinion, has the most aggressive drivers. It must be the heat. I now live in Denver, CO. I love it here. The landscape, the friendly people, and the abundance of things to do. However, there is one thing about the people in this city, the manners they have at home disappear when they get behind a wheel. Now, not all people in Denver drive like maniacs, only a portion. It’s almost like a brain fairy lives behind the driver seat of almost all vehicles and sucks out all your driving skills. So far, he hasn’t sent his fairy friends to my car yet, but I’m on to them. I always check before entering. Therefore, with this said I would like to give a class on how to drive. This class is for a person that has endured the evil brain-sucking fairy. Unfortunately, if you don’t check your vehicle before you enter, you will not know if you have been affected. Even the constant blaring of horns from unaffected drivers will not relieve you of your suffering. So, if you are reading this and do not think you are one of the thousands who have been victimized, think again and keep reading, class is in session.

I am here to teach you about good driving skills. I have laid down some basic rules that may have been forgotten over the course of your driving life.

Rule #1- Always checks the back seat before entering your vehicle. Fairies may lurk there.

Rule #2- Always wear your seatbelt.

Rule #3- Always check your mirrors before you engage the car.

What does that mean you ask? Before you put your key in the hole, check your mirrors. When you look in your rear view mirror, can you see you crotch? Can you see the roof of the car? Can you see the passenger’s seat? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, you are wrong and your mirror needs to be adjusted. You should now see what is behind your car. That means if you are in your garage and you can now see the door, you mirror is properly adjusted. Good Job!

Rule #4- Always make sure you are clear before leaving the spot your car is currently parked in. God forbid you hit a pole, run over a dog or a small child. Is anyone or anything around you? You can now leave your spot. Good Job!

The most important rule is rule 5. If you have a cell phone and we all know, you do, turn it off, and throw it in the back seat. You don’t need it. Also, when I say turn it off, I don’t mean put it on vibrate. Turn that distracting thing off. If you have no idea where you are in our big town, put yourself back where you were or find a new spot to park your car, and then figure it out. Denver does not need you blocking traffic because you are driving slow trying to look at your phone. We also do not need any more accidents blocking traffic, which also blocks traffic in the other lane because some people just can’t help but look at carnage or the possibility of it. PUT IT AWAY! Good Job!

You are now ready to drive. As we all know, driving in big cities can be very complicated (for people that have been victimized by fairies). Cars are everywhere. There are big trucks that make lots of noise. There are constantly changing traffic lights. Pedestrians that don’t acknowledge street signs. Bicyclist, dogs, kids, animals, the list could go on forever, not to mention the people entering and leaving the big, bad highway. This will be put into bigger discussion later in class. All these things are very distracting. See why we have to put away our phone? Fairies make our attention spans very short. If we didn’t turn off the phone, you would easily become fixated on the thing that goes beep and/or rings and shines bright lights in your eyes. Ooohhh, shiny things! Nnnooo!!!!!!

Lesson # 1 is that driving is a privilege, not a right. Just like spandex. If you can’t drive, you shouldn’t. For the sake of humanity do not drive. If you drive to the store that is three miles from your home, you constantly hear horns being directed at you, and you continually see middle fingers; you should not drive. Please walk, call a cab, or take a bus. You are obviously doing something that is annoying other drivers (that have not been affected) or you are potentially causing harm, such as accidents.

Does this happen to you and you can’t figure out why? Let’s go over the possibilities.

1- Are you driving the speed limit? 10 – 5 under is not the recommended speed. If you can’t drive the speed that the sign on the road indicates, either hand over you keys or take your right foot (hopefully this is the only foot you drive with, unless directed by a doctor) and put a little more pressure on the pedal that is located on the right. It’s the bigger pedal and it’s near the center console. This holds all those things you like to play with while driving. Again, unless you are skilled enough to do two things at once I do not recommended it.

I hope that you are now driving the recommended speed. These signs with numbers on them are not put on the side of the road to bring up property values. They are there for your safety and advisement. Please read and follow. Not hard. If the numbers in front of your face do not match the numbers on the sign, you need to do one of two things. Slow down or speed up. Again, not hard.

2 – Your blinker is on and you’re not going anywhere. Is your left blinker on and there aren’t any roads that exit left or viscera? If this is the case, you are wrong. Has your blinker been on for a while and you have passed many exits? If this is the case, you are wrong. Why do you think your blinker would be on all the time? Is your radio so loud that you can’t hear the annoying beeping noise? How would you remedy this? It is very simple. Turn down your radio and do not only your ears a favor, but also the surrounding public. No one and trust me, no one wants to listen to what is going on in your car. I don’t care how cool you think your music is. I would like to listen to my own “cool” music. Thank you.

Another reason that you may be oblivious to your blinker is because someone very distracting is sitting next to you. Are they talking loudly? Are they doing something distracting? Get rid of them. Until you are qualified to drive with passengers (and believe me you are not) leave them at home.

How will I know when I’m qualified you ask? That answer is simple. When you can drive to the store that’s a few miles from your house without the sounds of horns or the displays of middle fingers. Until then, you must drive alone or under close, quite supervision.

I have a suggestion for your failing blinker. If you pushed the stick that is coming out of your steering wheel in the up or down position, then it is your duty, as a driver, to make sure that said stick returns to the previous position after you have completed desired turn. Not hard.


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