My Temporary Loss of Sanity
They, whoever ‘they’ are, say that to get your brain out of non-writing prison, you have to write. That can be very hard to do, especially when you need ideas to write. -In order to write, I need to write.- Ok then, here I go.
I recently exchanged my sanity for a trip through motherhood. –long exasperated pause- It was challenging. I do not have children. I am, however, a nanny. I am not a nanny because I am trying to fill a void in my life. I have never wanted kids. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. I have never longed for anything to take care of. While I write these words, my logical part of my brain, tells me I’m a liar. I have a dog. Anybody with a dog knows how demanding and childlike he or she can be. I also have a husband. No need to elaborate there. So perhaps taking care of children is a way to fulfill my motherly instincts. However, it still does not make me want to have children.
Let me get back on the real subject at hand, as I avoid my own issues. As I mentioned before, I am a nanny. This job came by chance. I was, still am, an organizer. I work for the best family I’ve ever met, (besides mine). 😉 They are kind, generous, and supportive. Their kids are also great. I love them. It’s a love-hate relationship, but I love them more. I have been with the family for nearly two years. Recently, (last week), the parents went on a 10 day vacation. I watched the kids for the duration. The first few days were easy. When the middle of the week hit, I started to lose it. My short fuse became shorter. My nerves became fried. My temper took over. It took all my energy, which was already drained from my lack of sleep, to not lose my sanity and become the nanny you hear about on the news. By the last night, I was crying and my senses were gone. Everything bothered me. I couldn’t even stay awake or keep my cool long enough to hear a child read.
I was a sad case.
I felt like I was in prison. Every day was the same. My only solace was a few hours, usually less, where I was alone; a small lunch break or a trip to the gym. If it was nice, a long run. I know that being in this situation proved a huge challenge that I could not conquer.
From this situation, I take away many things. They are not in any particular order.
- I may need anger management classes.
- I would like to believe I am mother material, but my logical side reminds me that I am not.
- Kids cannot be controlled. (I have control issues) -sure you can tell kids what to do, but in the end micromanaging is not the answer.
- Break times are to be cherished for as long as possible.
- Coffee, energy bars, energy pills, and anything that keeps you from beating the kids, is key.
- Never leave the house without diapers, baby wipes, and special toys.
- When in doubt, turn on the TV.
Many of these things I already knew, but never took to heart. I know I stated this before, but I do love those kids. I always apologized when I found myself losing it for no apparent reason, other than my own messed up issues.
Will I embark on this journey again? Maybe, if I can have more breaks.
Will I have children? No. Isn’t 7 billion people enough?