I woke up this morning feeling like someone who has just lost an arm or a leg. It is strange to think that after 10 years, today I will not be making anymore special trips outside to watch my friend potty or play. My appendage has been taken and it still feels as if he is here. It’s rather hard to tell yourself no.
I am a person who is busy and loves to remain that way. It is often hard for me to detach myself from my life and take a few minutes for myself.
I want to clean the room of his belongings, vacuum the hair, and clean the yard of his leftovers. I want to be busy.
A dear friend called yesterday and gave some advice. I do listen at times and know that what she says is knowledgable and not just random words. She asked that I retreat somewhere that was quiet and release my emotions. She said I should scream, cry, and just let it out.
I know she is right, but I want to move on and remain busy.
When I think about what I want to do, I’m not sure it’s entirely healthy. It’s just another issue that I’m pushing down and one day, when it’s not time, I’ll explode.
This morning is hard. It’s hard to write these words and hard to roll over and find that my appendage is actually gone.
So to avoid my feelings, I waste time on my phone, scanning all the social media outlets, reading e-mails, and various news articles. I often like to read my horoscope for fun and see if it holds any value. It is rare to see anything worth re-posting, until today.
There could be the odd confrontation throughout the day not because you’re assertive, but because you feel a little over-emotional. Just don’t go too far. You will start something and at the end of it all, wish you hadn’t bothered. You won’t feel whole without your other half or a close friend, so make sure you have support around you. You may have to accommodate others’ needs as well.
Here is what I get from this.
1. It’s hauntingly coincidental.
2. I should let my room be.
3. Listen to the advice of my friend.
4. Call your support system – my family and friends.
I know that I do not always have to remain busy. I also know that if I need to take time for myself, however long that may be, I should do it.
I’ve never dealt with a loss such as this. While he was not human, he was my human with fur and four legs, he was a part of me; my appendage. I have to get used to him being somewhere else. It is hard for me to face, but his loss will take time.
It all takes time.
I want to thank everyone who has given kind words and expressed sympathy over this loss. It’s hard for me to express my feelings with actual speech. Writing has always been my emotional outlet. Please accept it and know I love you all, even if I don’t say it. Thank you, everyone.