Lies, Negativity, and Defeat


I lied to myself. I didn’t mean to lie. I actually thought I was ok at it. The process had been completed what seems to be a hundred times before. Yet there I stood, topic in hand, words suddenly flowing, and the lie filtered back into my brain and smacked me in the face. It was horrible. Every emotion poured over me like green slime. A disgusting slime that would never be removed no matter how many washes. It’s stink would still remain.

I told myself that I did not have a fear of speaking publicly. I still feel this is true when the topic is rehearsed, and  the information is known. I didn’t think I would have a problem with an impromptu speech. In fact, I figured it would be fun. I was wrong. I started telling a story and I lost my thought process. That’s when doubt came in and stole my confidence’s innocence. I fear I will never be the same. I nearly cried. I was ashamed, embarrassed, afraid, and hopeless. I simple said I could not go any further. What I really wanted to do was run out of the room crying. I’m pretty good at dramatic scenes. However, I held the drama inside and almost cried instead. I couldn’t and wouldn’t look at anybody. My false sense of self broke both of her legs and my lie was the one who threw her down the stairs.

I’m recovering, slowly.

I feel this day can be compared to a day of bad running. Which incidentally has been happening more times than I’d like to admit. I can blame it on a hundred things, but I know it’s just my negative thoughts coming out of hiding. One by one, they are slowly ambushing me from all sides. Just when I feel I have defeated my attacker, another one comes from behind and distracts me. The one I finally caught frees itself and kicks me when I’m down.

I’m not really sure I know what to do about it.

I ran today and the run was good. Then I came across a small hill. It was steep, but small. It almost baffles me why I quit the run. I ran up a bigger hill just before the small one and had plenty of time to recover from the large hill. My only explanation is I feel defeated.

I spoke well in the first part of my speech and then, just like the run, I came across a small, steep hill and defeat stood before me.

While these things are part of life and I must overcome and learn from their silent messages, it is hard.

I must look at tomorrow and know that it is another day. A run will just be another run and no matter how I feel about what I did and did not accomplish, I must know that it was better than doing nothing. I must look at my embarrassing moment and find some good in it. What I take from each obstacle will only help me improve, no matter the lies, negativity, or defeat.

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Posted on May 1, 2012, in Teachy Thursday, Trail Tuesdays and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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