Where The Hell Am I Going?
Do you ever ask yourself that? Not when you’re in the car and someone next to you is giving directions and their navigation skills rank with those of a 2-year-old. It isn’t that sort of direction. Although, I certainly do feel as if I am the two-year old in the passenger’s seat, yelling at my older self. I am talking about life. Where the hell am I going and how in the crap do I get there? I ask myself this quite often. It makes me angry that at 33, almost 34, I am not a millionaire. I type that and laugh, but there is truth behind it. I can not figure out what I am supposed to do in this life. I posed the question just the other day – How can I take all my awesome talents, my degree, and roll them into one? The advice? Do one thing at a time. If I do that, I will be 80. Or if I did what I wanted, I would be a psychotherapist, behavior analyst, who trains dogs, and occasionally writes a new best seller. So what is a girl to do? My job is slowly slipping away. My degree is now further from grasp and I keep coming across all these things that I would like to do. I really think I see them more because I am so lost. My husband is in another state, I live with my boss, I can barely pay my bills, school is losing all its flare, and I am trying to find my true calling. Now if only I could find my way and the two-year old in the passenger’s seat stops telling me what I should be doing. I look at this scenario and wonder if the little girl with big dreams is right. Or….. I had this thought and it escaped me. I am so lost and confused, that I can not complete a simple sentence at times. I kinda want to listen to the girl spouting off directions. Just get this degree and work with animals. It is what you love.
Here I am, with no direction but my thoughts. Lost in a maze of ambitions, hope, doubts, and fear. It is the doubt and fear that are growing out-of-control, without being maintained and turning this maze into a jungle. Jungle-maze. Pretty scary if you think about it.