Reflection


It’s been wondered if I’m okay. If I need anything.

I am not actually sure. My defenses automatically give the response that I’m fine. I don’t need assistance. I can do everything by myself.

When I think about my automated response, I reflect and know it’s a lie. I have been falling apart. My life has been crumbling and I stand on the edge of thinking I know what I want and living at a complete loss. Life became a complicated web of deceit. A deceit I created.

I talk about my half that made a decision to move. A decision that I helped with. I was certain it was all for the better. That I was strong enough to let go for the moment. I had done it before, I could do it again. I did. For a while. The days grew weary from lack of sleep. I started to notice things about myself that weren’t me. I went out a lot. While it was fun, I’ll never deny that, I may have been running from my feelings. It was certain I did not want to face a reality. A reality that was growing and becoming something I had to face.

It is easy to make excuses. To stop facing what is real and turn your back from fear. A fear fueled by uncertainty.

He moved, my other half, and I did not follow. It is now clear, more than ever, I know I should go. I leave behind friends and a few items. Each of them will be picked up and savored when I return. For I will return back to Colorado. A place where I feel I belong, just not at the current moment.

I can’t expect many to understand why I will leave friends and many I call family or why I would abandon a certain future, but I feel lost.

I have felt lost for quite some time and I am not certain I will ever find what I am looking for, or if I will ever find my purpose, but my entire being says to go. I have always listened to my gut, to my brain, and to my heart. Even if the outcome of the adventure wasn’t pleasant, I know I was meant to be exactly where I was led. It was to learn, to grow, and to find out a little more about myself. I cannot lie to the one person who counts in this world and that is myself.

I want to say thank you for following me. This blog has been a great release. I feel it is unfortunate that I haven’t used it to seek that release. Like many things, I turned to things that I felt were helping, but they were not. I left this blog slightly neglected. I am returning. Not with the full force I usually give, but with a new perspective on life. A deeper connection that I hope will serve me well. I hope to seek out dreams I have pondered since I was young. I hope to find a deeper meaning in my relationships.

Here I am. Back with insightful words. I hope you find some truth within them. For I feel we all face the same thing. We all have to face reality in our own way.

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Posted on May 13, 2014, in Random Writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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