Finding Myself: Finding My Strength


I haven’t been here in a while. It seems it is becoming a pattern. I keep losing my way. I am unguided by my own failing light. It is only through moments of clarity that I seem to find a way to keep the torch burning. I find that clarity through moments of personal struggle. In fact, I find the clarity through many personal attributes: personal strengths, personal growth, personal resentments, personal awareness, personal revelations, and personal defaults, otherwise known as character defects. The clarity comes from within and when it shines, I am blinded with profound thoughts. They want to come pouring out at the most horrible of times, for instance – 3 am. I can’t stop the creativity, I can only nurture it.
I have faced many feelings over my personal struggles. Lately, I have felt lonely, angry, and through it all, sad. I rise to the occasion when I am needed, only showing strength, However, when the curtain falls, I shatter, only to mend myself when the second act begins. This time, however, I have lost some pieces of myself, and it is harder to mend what’s left.
So what is a girl to do? I can sit here and write all day about my inner demons and how they keep me up at ungodly hours or I can work through them. Essentially, that is what I am doing by writing. There is no greater therapy, but it may not be exactly what I need. I am not exactly sure what I need. I may find it, someday, through the fog, through the dark tunnels – just when my last ember is starting to fade. I may come across a personal growth and a way to light my torch will appear. It always does, but not before I am at a near breaking point. This too, is something that always happens. As I am learning, it happens to us all. It is how we deal with the matters before us that set us apart.
I choose to lose my sanity, have my soul shatter to a million pieces, and lose my way, time and time again. I also chose to keep moving forward. When the curtain draws, and I stand before the crowd, I will smile, and try to seek the light for my fading torch. I will fight every demon I have to break free of the personal struggles that claw at me daily. For if I do not, I will always be in darkness picking up the broken pieces, and never finding the parts that matter.

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