I noticed something about myself today or rather yesterday – since I have no idea what day it is.
I had a rough day. I woke up crying and couldn’t get a firm grasp on my emotions. I’m really good at – I lie. I’m horrible at grasping my emotions. However, it’s progress from how I was before. If I feel like I’m going to cry, I can stop myself. It takes a moment, but I do it. If I’m angry, I can stop myself before I snap. I would say my sociopath side is really developing. (That’s a partial joke – you can laugh – I promise to pretend that I am)
What I noticed about yesterday was I needed someone – desperately. I needed someone to tell me I was okay, to tell me everything was going to get better, to hug me, and (I may be reaching a little), but someone to tell me I was pretty. In my moment of need,
no one was around. I could have called someone, but I didn’t want to be a bother.
I really feel, at times, I am not worth it. I feel that when I am having a serious issue, I shouldn’t call anyone to help console me. I assume my problem isn’t big enough or worth anyone’s time. I fee worthless and I project what I feel. It isn’t comforting. I couldn’t tell you exactly why I would feel such a way. In a normal situation, I project confidence. I give off the sense that
I have my shit together. In fact, I don’t. My life is out of control. I’m exhausted.
What really bothers me is that I can’t do anything about it. So there I was, crying in my bathroom begging myself to call someone before I did something horrible and I couldn’t. I didn’t. I sucked up my tears and I fought through. It was misery.
I went to work and the misery was all over my face. The outpouring of empathy toward me made me
realize I’m not alone. I could have called anyone of the people I consider friends.
What I learned is I shut myself out. I increased my misery by making sure no one knew.
Everyday I have to work on my well being, my whole self. I have to remember the list of people I could call when I feel all hope is lost. When my rope is near its end. I have to stop justifying my feelings in order to hide them. It’s okay
to be human. It’s okay to just be.
Take what you will from this. I think that the universe speaks to us differently. I need to work on myself. I need to
remind myself that it’s okay to call a friend when I need to the most.
And just for fun, here is a picture of my dog. He can be happy, sad, mad, jealous, and show empathy without remorse, guilt, or any negative thoughts. We could all take a life lesson from a dog.