The Realazation of Ourselves
I had a realization yesterday through more tears, more screaming, and more thoughts that often cloud my judgement and keep my sanity nipping for a chance to be present. It never fails me, my self-awareness. This realization came through in a symbol and a drawing that yet ceases to exist, although it will make its debut soon.
I have too much hate in my heart. I loath on things that will never be. I find it extremely hard to be genuinely happy for anyone. I try, but it is false. My tears, screams, and slipping sanity won’t let me find the happiness.
There is a teaching I firmly believe in. It is labeled as The Eightfold Path. Buddha spoke of 8 ways to free yourself from the bonds of humanity (this is how I read it). He taught others that if you can suffer through these 8 trials, you can free yourself from them and walk the path to self-enlightment. The paths are difficult. I speak of losing myself all the time. I am forever lost – trying to guide make my way through the darkness. This is life. However, the more we realize our faults, the better our chance at knowing what we should work on to better ourselves.
This is my realization. As much as I want to tell everyone to fuck off and please find the nearest bridge to jump off of, I can’t. I want to, but I can’t and I won’t. If you hurt enough to judge me, I will only wish you find peace. If you are happy with another, and it hurts me to my core, I will try to find strength in your happiness and be just as happy for you. If I see you suffering, I will do all I can to let you know you have a friend. I will try and watch my words, my thought, and my actions. It is a constant battle. Life is hard. There isn’t a single person on this earth that deserves the torment of a person who is lost. We are all lost. It doesn’t help to have someone hinder our journey. It is hard enough.
I thought of the Dharma wheel and its 8 pegs and then I thought of the snakes that try to poison our minds – corrupt our existence. What will you do to keep the poison away?