I don’t know why I must torture myself the way I do. My brain becomes convoluted with thoughts and I struggle to put anything coherent together. The real disaster hits when my thoughts become dissolved into my work life. I mispronounce words, struggle to think clearly, and on time. When I do not write, I find myself going crazy.

The struggle is not that I cannot write, the struggle is I often lack the will. I suffer, although I do not like to say I suffer because it makes me feel weak, so I like to own up to my affliction and say that I have depression. Many who know me would never know. They call me high-functioning, although I would call it barely functioning at all. But perspective is all in the mind of the tortured; the tortured being me.

Lately, because of many stressful events, depression has hit me rather hard. What I really feel is my sense of worth spiralling through the thick, sticky darkness, and while I am falling, I am also becoming trapped. It’s a tough world to break free. I have to stop myself or I become worse. I suppose this is where the high-functioning comes into play, or rather just a deep realization of self. I know who, what, when, where, and how. It is just that I often allow myself to become trapped within the walls of my own mind and soon I start to think of ways to end my existence. I torture myself.

I wrote today. I love to write. It is often my only true solace. I have been writing since I was young. It didn’t matter the story, I just wrote. What happens to me now, is I often lose the joy that comes with writing, and I find myself writing so I do not become trapped, so the torturing will end. If only I kept doing what I loved, would I realize the torturing never had to start.

I must keep my fingers around the pen. I must keep my fingers on the keyboard. If I do not, I will find myself unable to write at all.

The torturing has subsided for now. I wrote over 1,000 words today not including these and it only took moments. Why must I torture myself for days, when relief is a few clicks of words and time? When I answer that question, I’ll let you know. Until then, keep doing what you love, lest you find yourself tortured.



Posted on October 13, 2016, in Random Writing, Teachy Thursday and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Firstly I have to say that getting 100o words done in such a short space of time is such an achievement! I’m definitely a slow writer. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I wouldn’t mind having a greater output.

    I also agree with finding the process of writing therapeutic. Turning something so dark and filled with pain into a productive entry that helps me and perhaps others is a great feeling.


    • I couldn’t agree more. And thank you. I often feel if something is really pulling at me, I tend to write faster. When I’m in a particular state of mind, I write poetry, and it flows very quickly. So strange because when I try to write a real story, it takes ages and I end up tossing it aside.


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