I don’t know why I must torture myself the way I do. My brain becomes convoluted with thoughts and I struggle to put anything coherent together. The real disaster hits when my thoughts become dissolved into my work life. I mispronounce words, struggle to think clearly, and on time. When I do not write, I find myself going crazy.
The struggle is not that I cannot write, the struggle is I often lack the will. I suffer, although I do not like to say I suffer because it makes me feel weak, so I like to own up to my affliction and say that I have depression. Many who know me would never know. They call me high-functioning, although I would call it barely functioning at all. But perspective is all in the mind of the tortured; the tortured being me.
Lately, because of many stressful events, depression has hit me rather hard. What I really feel is my sense of worth spiralling through the thick, sticky darkness, and while I am falling, I am also becoming trapped. It’s a tough world to break free. I have to stop myself or I become worse. I suppose this is where the high-functioning comes into play, or rather just a deep realization of self. I know who, what, when, where, and how. It is just that I often allow myself to become trapped within the walls of my own mind and soon I start to think of ways to end my existence. I torture myself.
I wrote today. I love to write. It is often my only true solace. I have been writing since I was young. It didn’t matter the story, I just wrote. What happens to me now, is I often lose the joy that comes with writing, and I find myself writing so I do not become trapped, so the torturing will end. If only I kept doing what I loved, would I realize the torturing never had to start.
I must keep my fingers around the pen. I must keep my fingers on the keyboard. If I do not, I will find myself unable to write at all.
The torturing has subsided for now. I wrote over 1,000 words today not including these and it only took moments. Why must I torture myself for days, when relief is a few clicks of words and time? When I answer that question, I’ll let you know. Until then, keep doing what you love, lest you find yourself tortured.