Finding A Lost Dream

Today started like any other. I woke, prepared for the day, went to my vehicle, and opened the gate to leave. As I unhooked the chain, my thoughts transcended to that burning, perplexing question, What am I doing? 

I’m going to work. I’m slaving away. I don’t like what I’m doing and I have to change it. I had a vision of waking early, but it wasn’t to pay the man. It was to feed the horses, play with the dog, and write. 

I want to write. Instead, I am focused on making a dollar. I thought about all the excuses I make for not putting pen to paper. I thought of all the famous writers who made time. They made it happen. It wouldn’t just happen for me, I had to make sure it happened for me. 

I’ve had enough of wanting. I had to want it so bad it became a necessity. 

As the day wore on, my mind changed once again. Just because I wasn’t fond of my current job, didn’t mean I had to purposefully make it miserable in order to justify, or rather co-sign, my own bullshit. I had to make my current situation just as wonderful as the thought of my proposed future situation. 

Not only do I have to make changes so I am able to fulfill my dreams of raising a horse, playing with a dog, and writing for a living, I have to make a change within my mind so I don’t sabotage my current situation. 

Who cares if it sucks. And does it really suck? No. No it doesn’t. I just think it does. I make it suck. 

So as I continue to learn and grow, I let today’s revelation transform me. I tell myself to work harder at perusing your dreams. It will never just “fall in your lap”. 

I tell myself to stop making current situations horrible. Even though it isn’t what I want, it’s what I have and I must make the best of it. 

Let this be the year we strive harder, live more, and follow our dreams with the wildest of ambitions combined with a strong desire to see it through because no one knows exactally how to make them true but yourself. 

The Dark

Often, I stand in the darkness to awaken my senses. The wilderness brings a plethora of noises lost when the sun warms the earth. I hear things only the darkness can bring to light. The wind rustles the leaves and each leaf sings to its own tune. The bugs talk briefly and then listen to the wind. The birds hum and stop to listen to the rain tapping the earth. You can hear a howling dog in the distance. On some nights you can hear the coyotes breaking their silence to deliver their special code to let the others know the hunt is commencing. The shadows dance with the wind. Their fierce tango drives the moon mad. It looks upon the earth hoping to paint a perfect picture, but it angers at the wind and its games. It draws the clouds like a veil to shield the insanity.

The night brings a different perspective when the eyes are limited with vision. Suddenly, the dark plays tricks with your mind and nestles visions never seen. You stand, motionless, hoping to hear something you’ve never yet heard. You stand like a stone while your senses develop a deeper intelligence. Your hair starts to stand. Your skin starts to crawl and you start to wonder if you were meant for the night at all. Your eyes dart in every direction making your mind wonder if what you heard is real. The black encases you. The wind tickles your hair. You move quickly, turning to see what is there. It’s the dark, telling you to leave. For maybe the moon is on to something, using the clouds to blind itself. The dark hides what we are not ready to view. The wind lets us know to return to our slumber until the sun makes it entrance.

What draws us to the dark? What makes me stand there welcoming the unknown? There is beauty in what we cannot see. There is beauty in the silence. To listen to the rain, the birds, the howling wolves, or the insects whispering is more than noise. It is the break from useless chatter, buzzing phones, and a senseless box telling me how to feel. The dark is more than a sign to wind down. It is a message. So I stand in the dark awaiting a message that the light fails to give; a message to the senses.

Acceptance

Life can be difficult. There are times when all you want to do is give in and give up. There are no answers and there isn’t a clean path to lead you where you need to be. We will never have all the answers and for some, especially me, this is more than difficult, it is a hardship.

Over the past couple of weeks I have dealt with many things that are hard to accept. I want what I want and not having control over the outcome has driven me to tears, anger, and suffering. I feel lost, powerless, and mostly, I feel ashamed because what I thought I could control, what I thought I could perceive, what I thought I could have was explicitly out of my reach. It always was. It always will be.  

A dear friend of mine listened to my problems and in return gave me one word: acceptance.  

Now, I do not have a hard time with this word. I know its meaning. Yet hearing it plagued me nearly every hour of the day. It prodded, poked, and oozed until I came to grips with what it really meant.

  •  I have wanted to write about it for days, but I could never find the time. Acceptance.  
  • I want people in my life to be better. I want better for them. They choose to live a certain way and it saddens me. I want to change it. I’ve tried. I can’t. Acceptance.  
  • I long to control my surroundings, but I can’t. Acceptance.  

I often pause when I feel my life spinning out of control. I look at the way I am treating people. I look at the way others may view me. I look at my current behaviors and ask where I can make a change. It is a constant inventory.  

If I can not change others so I can accept them, I must change myself so I can accept what I cannot change. Acceptance.  

When you cannot find the courage to fight with life any longer, look at your surroundings and let go of what you cannot change. Acceptance isn’t easy; just as life is always difficult. Remain vigilant, focused, and strong. Remain knowledgeable. Remain wise. Remain able to accept. 

Get It Together

A friend of mine kicked my ass last night with a verbal “get it together” smack in the face. I laughed at first, but I read it again and knew she was right. 

I often get these verbal “get it together” smacks in the face, but I soon forget about the motivation and find my murky hole and bury myself in pity. 

However, if I do not get it together, my life is going to be hell. It’ll get worse for the time being, trust me, but it could get even worse. Knowing this, I should be prepared and remember these wise words: get it together. 

It is often hard to hear things. We toss words aside and as they are being said to us, we nod in agreement and we even say “I know.”  However, we don’t take these words and put them into affect. 

Get your shit together. 

We won’t do it until we are truly ready. 

Today, I’m ready. If I want to get my head out of my ass, I need to listen to my friends words and get it together. 

So if you are reading this and your life is being sucked down a shit filled toilet, please know you’re not alone. Do not drown in your sorrows anymore. You take life by the nutsack and yank until it screams in mercy. 

Get out of your pity hole and rise above the bullshit. 

You have to or you’ll never make it. 

Get it together. 

Sometimes, I Feel Lost. 

Have you ever read a book and it changed your life? A book that changed your entire perspective. I have read such a book. When I feel a strong desire to change or to be somewhere that takes me far from where I am, with different people, and a different life, I think of this book. 

Many who have followed me for a long time, know I have moved from Colorado to Florida. My heart pulled me in the direction of the sea. Now my heart pulls me in another direction. 

I don’t know what it means. I can only speculate as to why. I just feel a deep need to be somewhere else. Perhaps I will never make this change. Perhaps I just need to re-evaluate my current situation. Maybe I just need a small change. 

However, I also know I can’t ignore what my heart is saying. I must seek resolve. It all returns to this book. It is the universe guiding me. It tells me what to do, if I am open and willing enough to listen to the signs. What remains uncertain are the dramatic questions of life: who, what, when, where, why, and how. 

I’ll keep you posted. 

Sadness

I search for written words in my note app frequently. Ever so often, I come across a piece that has me questioning the environment of my life at that time. I ponder my sanity. I wonder how, after reading my own words, I made it through. These thoughts are answered in one simple phrase – I wrote it down. For me, my only solace are the words I use to express my anguish. For if I did not have the knowledge of a properly placed word, I would not have a means to express my emotions. I would become trapped in my mind with no hope for escape. With this, I give you a poem written in a time of deep depression. I assure you I am no longer in the web of this poem, for now. 
When the sadness seeps in,

I cower with weak skin. 

(no flames, no spark)

My bones are heavy. 

My tears break levees. 

My body sinks in this bed. 

The covers claw at my head. 

The sadness sweeps over

Like a brisk autumn breeze

It sticks like a harsh winter freeze. 

I beg it to leave. 

It ignores my screams. 

I ask for help. 

(no one is here) 

The sadness keeps people away. 

My heroes kept at bay. 

(no one touches what’s sad) 

Sadness is what makes me. 

Sadness is what breaks me
Please know that if you ever feel like I have felt before and will feel again, there are people who will help you through it. You just have to let them in. 

All drawings are scetched by my own hand.

Work

It’s been a while. Almost too long. I have some priorities now and I’m not sure about things anymore. While I try to grasp some perspective, here is something I wrote. It’s rhythm reminds me of a dark, smoky, slightly crowded room with a fading spot light. I’m on stage and something is pressing to come out. They are a mix of words I can’t quite string together and behind each sentence is a person full of sadness and anger. Enjoy. 

 I work

 I don’t live anymore. 

 I don’t breath anymore. 

 I’m tired. 

 I’m stressed. 

 I can’t see. 

 I can’t be. 

 There’s no space. 

 There’s no time. 

 There’s only fine lines

 It’s consuming – this place

 This confining place

 This deafening place

 This shrinking space

 There’s no sky

 No air 

 No birds

 No sea

 No cascading mountains

 Watching over me

 I’m here with papers

 With notes

 With deadlines

 With false hope

 I used to smile

 It was real

 The life I used to feel

 It’s gone

 I stopped chasing my dreams

 I started chasing what’s green

 But it has me ripping at the seams

 I work. 

Look At That Face!

It’s Wednesday. The work week is almost over, for some and looming for others. I’m in the middle. I work all the time. I didn’t choose the work life, the work life chose me. (I don’t know where that came from)

Anywho…

When you’re stressed and life is getting you down, remember to always engage in self-care. For me, yesterday, it was watching my dog have the best time at the dog park. His smile and overall demeanor could make the worst day bearable. Yeah, he’s a pain in the ass, but I love him. When he kisses my face, I know the feeling is mutual or he’s trying to let me know who’s boss. Either way, I’ll take all the kisses I can get.

Happy Freaking Wednesday, people.

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