Category Archives: Manic Mondays
For some of us, 2016 was one of the worst years to date. It stole some very famous, loved people, it left some of us jobless, homeless, sick, and without anymore people to love. It was a rough stretch of road.
For myself, 2016 seemed to be a beginning of hope; everything was falling into place. I had a great new job prospect, I was going to sign on a house, and a relationship that was sure to become doomed seem to be mending itself. I was certain 2016 was going to be my best year yet.
Before the beginning of February, it slowly started to fall apart. The new job fizzled away, the house fell through, and the relationship faded. By the middle of the year, I was thinking of ways to get out of my situation. It was going in circles and I needed to jump from the ferris wheel before it sent me off a cliff.
I ended up deciding I needed to move back home. I needed to leave the sunshine, leave some very valuable friends, leave a decent job, and leave my marriage. By the end of August, I upheaved myself and my dog back to Missouri. I moved back into my parents at 36. That was rough. It took a lot of adjusting. I did not have a job and my bills piled.
I often give up pretty quickly, but I knew I couldn’t. 2016 wasn’t going to get me. I sent out resumes, went to many interviews, and even landed a great job with help from a friend. The job wasn’t for me. So I went out to find another. I couldn’t give up.
While I struggled to deal with reality, it started to hit me – my unsettled emotions. I never dealt with what I left behind. I started to break.
For me, I always try to keep a good support system. I had to cling to it. My life would depend on it.
I am better. 2016 tried to get me and I didn’t let it. I fought to stay a float.
Living with my parents was one of the best decisions I have ever made. They have and continue to help me everyday. There are some things they do that I am not sure I will ever be able to pay back. Everyday I am grateful.
2016 has taught me many lessons.
1. Not everyone is your friend.
2. Trusting others is a tricky delicacy.
3. Some friends will never be replaced or will ever want to be replaced.
4. Those with less, give more.
5. We are not meant to have everything, just everything we need.
6. The word grateful means more to me than years past.
7. Friends and family are my greatest assets.
8. There is more beauty in this world that was lost to me in the past.
9. Time is not to be squandered.
10. Love with all your heart because that’s all you have.
Even though 2016 was very difficult, I had to stop and see the good. This year has taught me to stop and realize just this. Look around you, find the joy, and embrace it. If you don’t, 2017 will be just as difficult as the years before.
Life will try you. It will test your strength. Life will try to break you and never ask if you’re okay. You have to look out for yourself, and you have to make sure to cherish the ones that love you.
Don’t make 2017 great. Instead, fill the year with memories, joy, laughter, tears, love, friends, and doing the things you love. For if you continue to keep doing these things, 2017 won’t be great because you tried to force it, it will be great because you lived exactly how you wanted.
Thank you for continuing to read and follow my blog. I hope you found the good inside 2016 and I hope you find even more to be grateful for in 2017.
Happy New Year.
If feelings were tangible, I would burn them. I would tie them to a chair and begin my wrath of torture. My time would be consumed with giving each feeling exactly what it deserved.
What a world we live in when our feelings torture us and we can do nothing in return. We have to suffer; to learn how to cope. If we could only learn how to transform from them instead of living with them.
Lately, my feelings have consumed me. The change I have dealt with recently is leaving me in shambles. Coping with my torturous feelings is, at times, more than I can bear. It isn’t enough to cope anymore. I must transform.
I suppose my feelings are holding me captive and I am now developing Stockholm syndrome. If you are laughing at that statement, good. If you laughed and then cried, good. Transformation is emotional.
It can leave you weak, vulnerable, and it can also leave you strong. Those three words separately are different. When they are together, they transform into something much different. Let me explain.
My feelings often leave me weak. When I am weak, I am vulnerable to my thoughts. The scariest part about my thoughts are they can lead to harm. The last thing I want is for my thoughts to overtake my logic. The beauty in transformation is the strength. When my emotions drain my energy, I don’t want to do a whole lot. I would rather suffer. I can’t. It isn’t an option. Strength finds its way and transforms my vulnerability into a sliver of confidence. It isn’t much, but it is enough. Once I become confident, I am no longer weak.
Transformation is emotional, but it is also a blessing. If we do not learn to transform from our suffering, we will lose the will to cope, and our feelings will hold us captive – forever.
Will they come back for round two? Sure, but our transformation has left us stronger and more willing to fight. Soon, our feelings will find us, but leave in the same amount of time. We will recognize them, and take control.
Transformation is emotional, but it is also beautiful. It has made you the person you are today. Perhaps you haven’t fully transformed as of yet. Many of us do not see it’s entirety until we reach an old age. But that is why we are here. To be better than the last time. May it take a lifetime to achieve what I failed to achieve in my last life, for in the next life, I will know, and I will conquer.
So transform, become great, be strong, and face your feelings. They will guide you to the person you were born to be.
I live in the woods now. I have a never ending grab at plot lines and stunning inspiration.
This morning, I found myself hunting in District 12. Only I am not Katniss, and I didn’t, nor do I, have a bow and arrow. However, this bird was singing, and it reminded me of a mockingjay. It was beautiful. I stood outside, in the brisk dawn air, trying to locate the noise. I couldn’t. It was almost as if I were locked in a dream.
This afternoon, I was walking through some of the richest history the United States has to offer, and I thought of what it was like to build a precarious house perched inside the rocks of a mountain. The house was so thin, yet so tall. I imagined what it must have been like to live there, what the actual history of the house was, and how indifferently interested I was on wanting to take a peek inside. Would I be possessed by its latter inhabitants or would I become mesmerized by what lingered behind the layer of rocks and wood?
As the day breezed by, I walked outside, in the night, to find myself craning in an awkward position to fully absorb every single star. I couldn’t. There were millions. They danced and sparkled. It was a blank, black canvass and in all the artist’s excitement, silver glitter was tossed into the air and landed exactly in its assigned spot. I stood in awe. I wanted desperately to push away the trees so that I may see the glittered canvas in its entirety. Instead, I took it in pieces and it was marvelous.
I look around at every detail, and I am taken back, briefly and sometimes longer. It’s inspiration I must have missed before. Perhaps I was blind to it; too busy to care. I was, perhaps, lost within myself too much to know what true beauty is.
I see now.
Find inspiration today. Find it and pause. Soak in all the details and find what you most desire.
Let this Monday meet you with plenty of daydreams and inspirational thoughts.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted on a Monday. As anyone knows, Monday’s can often be cruel. We have weekend blues and wished that Monday was part of that weekend. What we have to do, but can seem impossible, is to find inspiration. I find myself looking through Instagram when I need a “mood pick me up.”
I look at dogs. I love dogs. I especially love my dog. He is patient, kind, and he loves people.
For a little inspiration this Monday, here are photos of my dog; two things this blog hasn’t seen in a while.
I’ve been pondering this thought for a while now: learning more about small towns and what they teach me. It enters my mind when a sign tells me to slow and I enter a scene straight from a movie. Buildings line a two-lane street; cars parked in front of lined-up shops. A single flashing red light in the middle of the road. A train track running parallel to the main drive. A place where the livestock out number the residents.The thought trickles in when I see a worn down home or an abandoned building. I wonder how a small town even manages to survive. It looks as though the entire place will dry up with one swoop of a money drought. They will leave everything behind, never to step place in another small town again. Dried-up, they will say.
It is then I start to talk to the people of those small towns and I see the determination, the sheer will on their faces. They refuse to give up, to turn-a-cheek, or to give in to a city way of life. The believe in their town so much, they are willing to do what is needed in order for it to survive. They find the money somehow. They turn to their faith. They turn to each other.
It makes me think how we look at life and see something falling apart, and instead of doing what needs to be done to fix it, we just toss it aside and find something that we believe is better. If we would have just tried a little harder, perhaps we could have saved it. We could have endured.
I suppose I look at some of my decisions in life and wonder what would of happened if I maintained the small town mentality. What would have happened if I had just stuck through, toughed it out, made do with what I had.
However, there is another quality of small town people that I enjoy and it is their knowing of how to handle regret. You don’t. Not to say you don’t handle anything, but if you don’t have it, then you don’t need to handle it.
So I suppose I could regret a million things, and dwell on what was, or I can gather some small town mentality and push for another day, make the most of what I have, and learn to be comfortable with what I got. I can’t ponder on the should haves’ and the should have nots’. I just need to be. What’s done is done.
I learn more things in a small town than I ever have living in a big city. And perhaps, it is that I learn things on both sides of the fence, but there’s a side of the fence that is much slower, and because of that I have more time to learn. Perhaps.
Many lessons have been through this hard head of mine. They have swealtered, diminished, and they have flourished. However, something about seeing how this great land thrives, gets my brain wondering. What does a small town really teach me?
- You can’t feel sorry for people and all the things you think they don’t have. For those are the ones that have it all.
- When you go through a small town, think of all the people who stay to make it great. They have loyalty, respect, ethics, values, morals, and most of all, they have love.
- They live without regret. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
- They strive hard to make a life for those around them. If you don’t have each other, you have no one.
Just some random thoughts for today.
I haven’t posted a picture in a while and I feel it’s time. More often than not, Monday’s can be very depressing. At one point in my blogging career, I sought to make Monday a day for inspiration instead of a day where the thought of drowning yourself instead of work seemed more enjoyable. In light of a brighter Monday, I give you my dog. He always makes me smile even when he steals my socks and decides he wants to play a fun game of chase. Happy Monday and may inspiration find you.
I’ve been working a lot lately and focusing on some other venues. I wanted to take a moment to wish all my faithful followers a happy 4th of July. Be safe.
If you like fireworks, keep them away from your genitals.
Don’t make the statement “hold my beer – watch this”, before you do anything. It’s bound to lead to a quick hospital visit.
Last, but not least, keep your dogs safe. To most dogs, the end has come and life as they know it is over. They are certain they will never get another cookie or know the luxury of killing you slowly with their deadly gas. They love you and look to you for protection. Keep them safe.
Finally, for real this time, if you love your balls, don’t put an M-80 near your penis.
This has been your safety briefing.
On a positive note, my dog isn’t phased by fireworks, thank god. Here’s his lovely face.
My co-dependent nature is getting on my nerves. I feel I will always seek the approval of others. I will always need someone to be with me. I will always go out of my way, even if it crosses personal boundaries to make others happy. When will I learn? When will I learn I am good enough? When will I learn I do not need the approval of others to make myself feel wanted? When?
I took my first writing job. I am beyond exstatic. I was instantly thrilled. Someone liked my work enough to pay me. Awesome, right? Sure. It’s awesome for someone who isn’t a co-dependent hound. I instantly sought help (thank you, friends). I instantly assured myself my writing was crap. I instantly assured myself I was going to fail. My husband asked why and told me I would do awesome – “you always do”. It helped, that reassuring thought, for a moment. But I went to being stressed, overthinking, and asking for compliments. Anxiety had set in, I was yelling for no reason, and being a bitch.
When will I learn I am good enough? I have ample support. You guys follow me and read my work consistently, so I must be doing something right. If I wasn’t, this blog would have flopped. My friends would have nicely told me I sucked, and my work would never speak for itself.
One day I will learn. I won’t seek approval. The approval will be in the way others ask me to keep going.
Thank you for reading and continuing to unknowingly acknowledge my work – good or bad, I am always improving and always changing for the better.
I often wonder how much I can take before I snap. My stress is unlike any metaphor I can portray, but I continue because I have to. I need money, so I work. When I’m at work, I carry on as if nothing is wrong. On one of my days off, I have a breakdown. It’s not what it could be. A full nervous meltdown hasn’t happened, but it’s in the works.
I am fully aware that one day I will lose it, but I have to keep pressing. No one has approached me yet and offered a worry free life. A life where I can blog, be on social media, and write all day. At least not yet. So I work. I work and fake happiness for days in a row. When I am finally alone, I cry and sleep half the day away. I’m an introvert. I need a day without noise, talk, and people.
It’s what we do, I suppose. We push ourselves to do what we must. Perhaps I’ll never have a complete meltdown. I’ll just work and get by. The true meltdown is my body slowly giving out. It aches and strains, yet I work another day. I work without a care, without an emotion, without a sign of stress so I can live. But the real living is wasted for the dollar. It’s wasted in my tears.
I can only hope my stress doesn’t break me. I hope I can fulfill my dream to write as a career. I hope I can live.
As I look through old notes and wonder what I can scrape from the past to give it new life, I wonder if I’m doing too much. I wonder if I am spreading myself too thin. It is then, I think of self-sabotage. I do it constantly. If I continue down the shank spiral of self-sabotage, I will never succeed – ever. So I stop myself from searching, and reach inside myself for something new. I knew a piece about myself was hiding in here. A time where I self-reflect and project a little self-inventory.
If you do the same thing, self-sabotage, know you are not alone. The knowledge that I could be successful scares me into my sacred bubble. I dream of what it would be like to write full-time, and I am beyond excited. I grow a forest of ideas, and I let procrastination and excuse rule.
I’ve had enough. I know I can do it. I must rise from my slump and never care about critics, especially the biggest critic of all, myself.
So if you are sitting at your computer today or whatever means you use to write, and you are questioning the very reason you vent, stop. Your muse leaks in the form of words for a reason. Let others see your passion. Let yourself shine through.
Happy Monday, peeps, and keep pressing.
P.S – Speaking of pressing, I started another blog. I love horror. If you have been here a while and witnessed my writing, you know I have a heart for the sick and twisted. My blog is based around reviewing horror movies. I also post short films, artwork, and books I am reading. Stop by, if you’re sick and twisted like myself. I guarantee you’ll love it.