It’s Time

I paused yesterday during my internal struggle for peace and realized I have been neglectful. 

I have been neglecting myself. I preach what should be done and when it comes to it, I fall short. 

It’s what happens, I suppose. We are supposed to learn, fail, and grow. 

I wonder when I’ll succeed. When I’ll stop falling short. But these questions I’m never suppose to know. That’s the complexity of life. We live, try our best, and share our wisdom. 

It’s a turbulent journey. 

When life becomes too much to bear, I have to pause and think about being grateful. It doesn’t come easy. I’ve come to realize, it never will. 

In the tradition of using Friday to think about what I’m grateful for, I’ll give you a list. 

It’s small, but it’s truth is real. 

  • In times where I feel alone, a friend shines through and reminds me they’ve always been there. For this, I am grateful for my friends. I have a handful that really know me, and I love them all. 
  • I am grateful for my parents. They do all they can for me, and I never say thank you enough. 
  • I am grateful I have a job. I often loathe it, but it’s still there as long as they find me worthy. 
  • My niece. She’s amazing, smart, funny, and when you’re sad she knows exactly what to do. She’s a true gift. 

Take some time to pause and be grateful. It can be difficult, but it gives new perspective and sometimes that’s all we need to silence the mind. 

He’s pausing, but it’s possible he’s thinking about cookies. 


The Fight Continues

A continuation of yesterday’s poem…
I know what I should do. 

But I can’t seem to do it. 

I sit down with hope. 

I can’t sift through it. 

Pencil meets paper. 

So thoughts can flow free.

But something is inside

Putting its grip on me.

I have more to give. 

There’s more to be told.

I must release this demon.

I must release the hold. 

Finding A Lost Dream

Today started like any other. I woke, prepared for the day, went to my vehicle, and opened the gate to leave. As I unhooked the chain, my thoughts transcended to that burning, perplexing question, What am I doing? 

I’m going to work. I’m slaving away. I don’t like what I’m doing and I have to change it. I had a vision of waking early, but it wasn’t to pay the man. It was to feed the horses, play with the dog, and write. 

I want to write. Instead, I am focused on making a dollar. I thought about all the excuses I make for not putting pen to paper. I thought of all the famous writers who made time. They made it happen. It wouldn’t just happen for me, I had to make sure it happened for me. 

I’ve had enough of wanting. I had to want it so bad it became a necessity. 

As the day wore on, my mind changed once again. Just because I wasn’t fond of my current job, didn’t mean I had to purposefully make it miserable in order to justify, or rather co-sign, my own bullshit. I had to make my current situation just as wonderful as the thought of my proposed future situation. 

Not only do I have to make changes so I am able to fulfill my dreams of raising a horse, playing with a dog, and writing for a living, I have to make a change within my mind so I don’t sabotage my current situation. 

Who cares if it sucks. And does it really suck? No. No it doesn’t. I just think it does. I make it suck. 

So as I continue to learn and grow, I let today’s revelation transform me. I tell myself to work harder at perusing your dreams. It will never just “fall in your lap”. 

I tell myself to stop making current situations horrible. Even though it isn’t what I want, it’s what I have and I must make the best of it. 

Let this be the year we strive harder, live more, and follow our dreams with the wildest of ambitions combined with a strong desire to see it through because no one knows exactally how to make them true but yourself. 


For some of us, 2016 was one of the worst years to date. It stole some very famous, loved people, it left some of us jobless, homeless, sick, and without anymore people to love. It was a rough stretch of road.

For myself, 2016 seemed to be a beginning of hope; everything was falling into place. I had a great new job prospect, I was going to sign on a house, and a relationship that was sure to become doomed seem to be mending itself. I was certain 2016 was going to be my best year yet.  

Before the beginning of February, it slowly started to fall apart. The new job fizzled away, the house fell through, and the relationship faded. By the middle of the year, I was thinking of ways to get out of my situation. It was going in circles and I needed to jump from the ferris wheel before it sent me off a cliff.  

I ended up deciding I needed to move back home. I needed to leave the sunshine, leave some very valuable friends, leave a decent job, and leave my marriage. By the end of August, I upheaved myself and my dog back to Missouri. I moved back into my parents at 36. That was rough. It took a lot of adjusting. I did not have a job and my bills piled.  

I often give up pretty quickly, but I knew I couldn’t. 2016 wasn’t going to get me. I sent out resumes, went to many interviews, and even landed a great job with help from a friend. The job wasn’t for me. So I went out to find another. I couldn’t give up.  

While I struggled to deal with reality, it started to hit me – my unsettled emotions. I never dealt with what I left behind. I started to break.  

For me, I always try to keep a good support system. I had to cling to it. My life would depend on it.  

I am better. 2016 tried to get me and I didn’t let it. I fought to stay a float.  

Living with my parents was one of the best decisions I have ever made. They have and continue to help me everyday. There are some things they do that I am not sure I will ever be able to pay back. Everyday I am grateful.  

2016 has taught me many lessons.

1. Not everyone is your friend.

2. Trusting others is a tricky delicacy.

3. Some friends will never be replaced or will ever want to be replaced.

4. Those with less, give more.

5. We are not meant to have everything, just everything we need.

6. The word grateful means more to me than years past.

7. Friends and family are my greatest assets.

8. There is more beauty in this world that was lost to me in the past.

9. Time is not to be squandered.

10. Love with all your heart because that’s all you have.
Even though 2016 was very difficult, I had to stop and see the good. This year has taught me to stop and realize just this. Look around you, find the joy, and embrace it. If you don’t, 2017 will be just as difficult as the years before.  

Life will try you. It will test your strength. Life will try to break you and never ask if you’re okay. You have to look out for yourself, and you have to make sure to cherish the ones that love you.  

Don’t make 2017 great. Instead, fill the year with memories, joy, laughter, tears, love, friends, and doing the things you love. For if you continue to keep doing these things, 2017 won’t be great because you tried to force it, it will be great because you lived exactly how you wanted.  

Thank you for continuing to read and follow my blog. I hope you found the good inside 2016 and I hope you find even more to be grateful for in 2017.  

Happy New Year.  

A Sliver…

Hello my faithful followers. It’s Friday. For some of us, it is a good day. We slack off in the office. We count down the hours until it is time to leave   

Oh Friday. ….

I’m having a difficult time feeling grateful lately. 

Others are reminding me about how awesome things are going, and they are. 

However, I’m a self-sabotager. (I’m making-up this word) 

That’s right people. I sabotage my own happiness. Why? I don’t know. 

I don’t allow myself to be truly happy. I never really have. I force myself to smile, to say hello, to give a hug here and there. It’s exhausting. At the end of the day, I need lots of room and silence to put on a happy face and face the world once more. 

Even as I write this, I pause to contemplate what words I will type next. I’m tired. 

So while I do post about being grateful, finding inspiration, and finding out who you truly are, I have days where it is all out of grasp, and that’s okay. 

There is a bountiful list of things for which we should be grateful. We should seek to find who we are. We should always strive to become better. However, it’s okay to let it slip away, but not too far. 

One day, I’ll stop sabotaging myself. 

Today I will remind myself it isn’t as bad as I think and try to find a sliver of happiness because sometimes a sliver is all we have. 

The Dark

Often, I stand in the darkness to awaken my senses. The wilderness brings a plethora of noises lost when the sun warms the earth. I hear things only the darkness can bring to light. The wind rustles the leaves and each leaf sings to its own tune. The bugs talk briefly and then listen to the wind. The birds hum and stop to listen to the rain tapping the earth. You can hear a howling dog in the distance. On some nights you can hear the coyotes breaking their silence to deliver their special code to let the others know the hunt is commencing. The shadows dance with the wind. Their fierce tango drives the moon mad. It looks upon the earth hoping to paint a perfect picture, but it angers at the wind and its games. It draws the clouds like a veil to shield the insanity.

The night brings a different perspective when the eyes are limited with vision. Suddenly, the dark plays tricks with your mind and nestles visions never seen. You stand, motionless, hoping to hear something you’ve never yet heard. You stand like a stone while your senses develop a deeper intelligence. Your hair starts to stand. Your skin starts to crawl and you start to wonder if you were meant for the night at all. Your eyes dart in every direction making your mind wonder if what you heard is real. The black encases you. The wind tickles your hair. You move quickly, turning to see what is there. It’s the dark, telling you to leave. For maybe the moon is on to something, using the clouds to blind itself. The dark hides what we are not ready to view. The wind lets us know to return to our slumber until the sun makes it entrance.

What draws us to the dark? What makes me stand there welcoming the unknown? There is beauty in what we cannot see. There is beauty in the silence. To listen to the rain, the birds, the howling wolves, or the insects whispering is more than noise. It is the break from useless chatter, buzzing phones, and a senseless box telling me how to feel. The dark is more than a sign to wind down. It is a message. So I stand in the dark awaiting a message that the light fails to give; a message to the senses.


If feelings were tangible, I would burn them. I would tie them to a chair and begin my wrath of torture. My time would be consumed with giving each feeling exactly what it deserved.

What a world we live in when our feelings torture us and we can do nothing in return. We have to suffer; to learn how to cope. If we could only learn how to transform from them instead of living with them.

Lately, my feelings have consumed me. The change I have dealt with recently is leaving me in shambles. Coping with my torturous feelings is, at times, more than I can bear. It isn’t enough to cope anymore. I must transform.

I suppose my feelings are holding me captive and I am now developing Stockholm syndrome. If you are laughing at that statement, good. If you laughed and then cried, good. Transformation is emotional.

It can leave you weak, vulnerable, and it can also leave you strong. Those three words separately are different. When they are together, they transform into something much different. Let me explain.

My feelings often leave me weak. When I am weak, I am vulnerable to my thoughts. The scariest part about my thoughts are they can lead to harm. The last thing I want is for my thoughts to overtake my logic. The beauty in transformation is the strength. When my emotions drain my energy, I don’t want to do a whole lot. I would rather suffer. I can’t. It isn’t an option. Strength finds its way and transforms my vulnerability into a sliver of confidence. It isn’t much, but it is enough. Once I become confident, I am no longer weak.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also a blessing. If we do not learn to transform from our suffering, we will lose the will to cope, and our feelings will hold us captive – forever.

Will they come back for round two? Sure, but our transformation has left us stronger and more willing to fight. Soon, our feelings will find us, but leave in the same amount of time. We will recognize them, and take control.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also beautiful. It has made you the person you are today. Perhaps you haven’t fully transformed as of yet. Many of us do not see it’s entirety until we reach an old age. But that is why we are here. To be better than the last time. May it take a lifetime to achieve what I failed to achieve in my last life, for in the next life, I will know, and I will conquer.

So transform, become great, be strong, and face your feelings. They will guide you to the person you were born to be.


Life can be difficult. There are times when all you want to do is give in and give up. There are no answers and there isn’t a clean path to lead you where you need to be. We will never have all the answers and for some, especially me, this is more than difficult, it is a hardship.

Over the past couple of weeks I have dealt with many things that are hard to accept. I want what I want and not having control over the outcome has driven me to tears, anger, and suffering. I feel lost, powerless, and mostly, I feel ashamed because what I thought I could control, what I thought I could perceive, what I thought I could have was explicitly out of my reach. It always was. It always will be.  

A dear friend of mine listened to my problems and in return gave me one word: acceptance.  

Now, I do not have a hard time with this word. I know its meaning. Yet hearing it plagued me nearly every hour of the day. It prodded, poked, and oozed until I came to grips with what it really meant.

  •  I have wanted to write about it for days, but I could never find the time. Acceptance.  
  • I want people in my life to be better. I want better for them. They choose to live a certain way and it saddens me. I want to change it. I’ve tried. I can’t. Acceptance.  
  • I long to control my surroundings, but I can’t. Acceptance.  

I often pause when I feel my life spinning out of control. I look at the way I am treating people. I look at the way others may view me. I look at my current behaviors and ask where I can make a change. It is a constant inventory.  

If I can not change others so I can accept them, I must change myself so I can accept what I cannot change. Acceptance.  

When you cannot find the courage to fight with life any longer, look at your surroundings and let go of what you cannot change. Acceptance isn’t easy; just as life is always difficult. Remain vigilant, focused, and strong. Remain knowledgeable. Remain wise. Remain able to accept. 

Slow and Steady or Fast and Crazy?

Remember the days when I filled Tuesdays with running? All my blog posts were of the days my feet hit the pavement with fury. I sort of miss those days. However, I have somehow created a stumpy version of myself and now I am slightly overweight, my knees pain my, my hips scream in agony every time I rise from a chair. My body is in its own horror movie stuck on repeat.

Alas, I can not fret over what I used to be. While I would love to start running once more, I have to start small. I have to regain my strength.

So I bring you this: a pondering question. First, a set-up. Many know I have uprooted myself. I have no serious income, my bills are stacking, and I miss my friends. I should be in a darkroom, under the covers, contemplating m existence. However, I have begun writing and it makes me feel so much better. But I long for more. I need to exercise. So my question is this: Do you ever find yourself wanting to do everything at once even though you haven’t much stability? I want to do it all, and a part of me feels I should slow down, yet another part of me feels I should do it now; there’s no time like the present.

If you find yourself in this situation what is the course you take? Balls to the walls or time is of abundance, the turtle wins the race?

Sip your coffee, pretend your working, and let me know. I’ll end up doing what I want, of course, but I’m curious about you.