I Let You Go

I wrote this piece a while back about someone I used to love. I say used to, and know that’s a lie. I still love them, but I’ve guarded my heart against them. This person had such a power over who I was. Letting go of such a thing is no easy task. It took years, a great friend, and an awakening. This piece is my moment. May this person find theirs.

I fell in love with you. I woke one day and it occurred that I didn’t love you like a friend, I loved you like a lover. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to be with you as long as life would let us.

You nearly had me convinced. You talked of marriage – of future plans. I was in awe of it. However, I should have known. I should have known it was only an escape for you. A way to fantasize about something other than your current situation. An out. A statement that said, fuck it rather than a statement with any real meaning.

I fell for you. I almost made plans. Plans for us to be together. I was willing to compromise your lust for others just so I could be with you.

I almost had myself convinced it would work out.

I almost settled. I almost gave in.

Sometimes it takes others to show you what’s wrong. When you’re so disillusioned, it takes the eyes and wisdom of another being to guide you to what is right. I found that person. Someone who made me realize I was never getting what I wanted and that you were only around when the statement “fuck it” came to mind.

Perhaps it would have worked. Perhaps we could have been happy. I would have tried. The fog lifted, though. I cried for it to return. I yearned to be blind. I screamed to feel the pain of never having you. But another warmth settled in and gave me the strength to dry my tears, to see, and to stop the pain.

I have to let go. My heart can’t take anymore.

I hope you find peace in your storm. May you break free of what binds you, and know that happiness is not found in others by way of casual leisure, one night stands, and broken promises, it’s found in you.

You can make yourself happy. Do this, and your discontent will end.



If feelings were tangible, I would burn them. I would tie them to a chair and begin my wrath of torture. My time would be consumed with giving each feeling exactly what it deserved.

What a world we live in when our feelings torture us and we can do nothing in return. We have to suffer; to learn how to cope. If we could only learn how to transform from them instead of living with them.

Lately, my feelings have consumed me. The change I have dealt with recently is leaving me in shambles. Coping with my torturous feelings is, at times, more than I can bear. It isn’t enough to cope anymore. I must transform.

I suppose my feelings are holding me captive and I am now developing Stockholm syndrome. If you are laughing at that statement, good. If you laughed and then cried, good. Transformation is emotional.

It can leave you weak, vulnerable, and it can also leave you strong. Those three words separately are different. When they are together, they transform into something much different. Let me explain.

My feelings often leave me weak. When I am weak, I am vulnerable to my thoughts. The scariest part about my thoughts are they can lead to harm. The last thing I want is for my thoughts to overtake my logic. The beauty in transformation is the strength. When my emotions drain my energy, I don’t want to do a whole lot. I would rather suffer. I can’t. It isn’t an option. Strength finds its way and transforms my vulnerability into a sliver of confidence. It isn’t much, but it is enough. Once I become confident, I am no longer weak.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also a blessing. If we do not learn to transform from our suffering, we will lose the will to cope, and our feelings will hold us captive – forever.

Will they come back for round two? Sure, but our transformation has left us stronger and more willing to fight. Soon, our feelings will find us, but leave in the same amount of time. We will recognize them, and take control.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also beautiful. It has made you the person you are today. Perhaps you haven’t fully transformed as of yet. Many of us do not see it’s entirety until we reach an old age. But that is why we are here. To be better than the last time. May it take a lifetime to achieve what I failed to achieve in my last life, for in the next life, I will know, and I will conquer.

So transform, become great, be strong, and face your feelings. They will guide you to the person you were born to be.

I’m A Mess.

I’m an opinionated person. I judge too quickly the likeliness of others. I make comments. I anger easily. I get offended easily. My feelings are walking on needles. I’m a fucking mess. But I know I am.

I try to fix my ways everyday. However, lately I’ve been off course. I am always angry or sad. If I’m happy, there’s a lingering feeling of hate or skepticism creeping to ruin the mood. I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I keep doing things in hopes it will make me happy, but I haven’t won that battle. I often wonder if I ever will. I’m patient. However, are others as patient as me? I can live with myself, but it is hard for others to wait on my fleeting emotions. I feel guilty for my short-comings.

I pause at these words. I can be a major bitch. I get over emotional. I make bad decisions. I try to justify my emotions, but they are false. To make an excuse for my feelings is not going toward the root of my problem. And readers… I feel that being unhappy and not being able to pin-point why, is a major problem.

I often think – instead of figuring out why, perhaps I should revisit the things that make me happy or did make me somewhat content and see what happens.

Until then, may my feelings go noted for some huge underlining problem that isn’t directed at anyone in particular. I’m just broken and no one can fix me but myself.

Thank you for reading.


just a drawing of how I feel.

Just One

I deal with tormenting emotions daily. It is an epic battle I am determined to win. While I fight, I often find a muse and squeeze what remains. I drink what I can and the art leaks onto paper. Only sometimes does it leak out of my fingers onto my piano. Today I give you this. For every muse I find, is a dose of energy needed to fight a never ending battle.

I just want one hug.
Just one.
A hug that releases the pain
A hug that doesn’t strain.
Just one.
A hug that lifts my spirits
A hug that melts the soul.
A hug that makes me want
Just one more.