It’s been a while. In fact, any piece you have read lately is just a repost. I haven’t had the drive . It sucks. Many of us go through a dry spell, but mine has lasted over a year. It sucks. I have spells of wisdom ever so often. My mind creates a great idea and I run with it for about a week, then I stop. It sucks. What can I possibly accomplish. I am my friend’s quilts. Start one, put it down, never come back. I’m a closet full of quilts. Except for me, it’s a warehouse. I need a forklift and that’s not pretty.
Writing can often seem like a chore. Something I am forced to do. However, no one is forcing me to do anything. Except myself and I hate listening to that nag. Bla, bla, bla. That’s all I hear. She’s annoying. But I need her to tell me what to do. If she would actually shut up, I’d lose all ambition. I’d be gone.
I talked to my ex-husband today. The conversation gave me closure. We talked about who I am, who he knew I was(am), and how he hoped I was happy because I deserved it. He deserves it too. It made me think about how I may have used him as an excuse to not write something that has been plaguing me. I did. Now, I wont. I can write that story. I will write that story. It’s about who I am; who I have always been.
It sucks, but it’s an amazing journey. To write about it will help me more than I may be prepared for and it will help others in the same way.
I’m so glad I talked to him. I am so thankful for my friends who give never ending support. They are the ones who give me the strength.
I can’t say it here. Not everyone I love knows.
You’re smart. You get it. Keep it to yourself. When the time is right, the world will know. They will say, “you know what? Good for her”, or “you owe me money.” Some will not be happy; the ones who say they love me. They will never understand. It will never be okay. That is their demon to struggle with and mine to let go when they know the truth. I don’t want this demon anymore. It has nearly killed me. It has affected me in every aspect of my life. It has always kept me running, searching, lying, and never living my truth. It has kept me in denial. It sucks.
I don’t want it to suck anymore – literally and figuratively.