I Let You Go

I wrote this piece a while back about someone I used to love. I say used to, and know that’s a lie. I still love them, but I’ve guarded my heart against them. This person had such a power over who I was. Letting go of such a thing is no easy task. It took years, a great friend, and an awakening. This piece is my moment. May this person find theirs.

I fell in love with you. I woke one day and it occurred that I didn’t love you like a friend, I loved you like a lover. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to be with you as long as life would let us.

You nearly had me convinced. You talked of marriage – of future plans. I was in awe of it. However, I should have known. I should have known it was only an escape for you. A way to fantasize about something other than your current situation. An out. A statement that said, fuck it rather than a statement with any real meaning.

I fell for you. I almost made plans. Plans for us to be together. I was willing to compromise your lust for others just so I could be with you.

I almost had myself convinced it would work out.

I almost settled. I almost gave in.

Sometimes it takes others to show you what’s wrong. When you’re so disillusioned, it takes the eyes and wisdom of another being to guide you to what is right. I found that person. Someone who made me realize I was never getting what I wanted and that you were only around when the statement “fuck it” came to mind.

Perhaps it would have worked. Perhaps we could have been happy. I would have tried. The fog lifted, though. I cried for it to return. I yearned to be blind. I screamed to feel the pain of never having you. But another warmth settled in and gave me the strength to dry my tears, to see, and to stop the pain.

I have to let go. My heart can’t take anymore.

I hope you find peace in your storm. May you break free of what binds you, and know that happiness is not found in others by way of casual leisure, one night stands, and broken promises, it’s found in you.

You can make yourself happy. Do this, and your discontent will end.


It’s Time

I paused yesterday during my internal struggle for peace and realized I have been neglectful. 

I have been neglecting myself. I preach what should be done and when it comes to it, I fall short. 

It’s what happens, I suppose. We are supposed to learn, fail, and grow. 

I wonder when I’ll succeed. When I’ll stop falling short. But these questions I’m never suppose to know. That’s the complexity of life. We live, try our best, and share our wisdom. 

It’s a turbulent journey. 

When life becomes too much to bear, I have to pause and think about being grateful. It doesn’t come easy. I’ve come to realize, it never will. 

In the tradition of using Friday to think about what I’m grateful for, I’ll give you a list. 

It’s small, but it’s truth is real. 

  • In times where I feel alone, a friend shines through and reminds me they’ve always been there. For this, I am grateful for my friends. I have a handful that really know me, and I love them all. 
  • I am grateful for my parents. They do all they can for me, and I never say thank you enough. 
  • I am grateful I have a job. I often loathe it, but it’s still there as long as they find me worthy. 
  • My niece. She’s amazing, smart, funny, and when you’re sad she knows exactly what to do. She’s a true gift. 

Take some time to pause and be grateful. It can be difficult, but it gives new perspective and sometimes that’s all we need to silence the mind. 

He’s pausing, but it’s possible he’s thinking about cookies. 

We Must Love Change

I was in an interview the other day, and I was asked about change. She asked if I thought change was beneficial and if I adapted well.

I nearly laughed. (I’m an awkward person with a knack to make any situation weird)

Instead I held in my sarcastic humor and decided, thankfully, to be serious.

We need change. Without it we will never grow. We will never truly know who we are. If life did not adjust without consulting us first, how would we ever know how to adapt. Change is a necessary tool for our survival.

Adapting to change is difficult. It brings a certain amount of stress though we have no actual idea of the exact amount it will bring. We try and prepare ourselves for the worst and our efforts are never good enough. We then, have to adapt even more, and for some it is beyond what they can handle.

Many times I’ve sat in a pile of my own tears wondering if life was worth the suffering because change wasn’t willing to bend.

These moments test us and we either grow or we fall.

In these moments, or perhaps after the tears and screams, we have to assess. We have to process. We have to take a moment and find out why.

For me, especially lately, I have to look around me and find an ounce of gratitude.

Last Friday or it may have been the Friday before, I posted a list of things for which I was grateful. It seemed to do well, and in the spirit of today’s celebration of 300 followers, I bring you my gratitude list of today.

  1. The will and need to write.
  2. Parents who love and support me.
  3. Access to the internet so that I may entertain you.
  4. A dog. He’s the reason I’m here.
  5. Friends. I have some really great friends.
  6. Finding a job.
  7. A new adventure.
  8. Stove Top Stuffing (I know, but I seriously love it)
  9. Paid bills
  10. Change.

Being grateful can be a challenge. Change is difficult. Being strong isn’t easy. But you weren’t put on this earth to ride the kiddy train, were you?
Happy Friday. May change make you grateful.
Here’s a picture of my dog. He makes me happy.


He finally gave in.

It’s Not That Bad

It’s Friday, and all I can think about is how horrible the week was. However, I have to pause. I have to think about anything good, anything. So here it goes.

  1. I managed to find myself safe.
  2. I managed to not sleep in my car.
  3. I received money so I could find my way back home.
  4. People only give what they can, and that’s okay.
  5. I found the will to write 4 times.
  6. I was able to watch TV which included a horror movie.
  7. I have WiFi.
  8. My car is nice.
  9. I have good health.
  10. I have food.

There, 10 things. Not too shabby. I need to do this more often, or more than often, I will find myself in a negative thought process and the only place that will lead me is a cold shower, and orange jump suit, and a girlfriend or four. Because as we know, I’m too pretty for prison.


Happy Friday, and as someone I know would tell me, Be Blessed. For me, be grateful.

Take Some Time For Gratitude

I don’t do this enough because I become too envolved with the negatives of life. It’s as if you wake and can only focus on how your neck hurts, how your bank account is empty, and how someone drank the last of the milk. There isn’t any creamer for your coffee. The neighbors are too loud. You have a million things to do and no time. Why didn’t they call back? 

It’s an all too familiar scenario and it plagues us until we are so consumed with the negative we forget to concentrate on all the good. 

I have been consumed with too much negativity. I also believe that when I go to all my social media outlets, I see negativity, and all though I pretend it doesn’t bother me, it does. I not only consume myself with my own negatitivity, I inadvertently become consumed with the negatitivity of others. It’s a double edged sword. 

I left a job where gratitude was part of the process. I even sat in a circle and heard gratitude from those who didn’t believe they deserved it. However, they paused every day and found gratitude somewhere. It was small, it was big, but it was something. 

Today, I pause at my current attitude. I pause because it is negative, and if I am not careful, it will do more than consume me; it will devour me and I will cease to exist. 

I want to take time each day and find a few or more things to remind me about gratitude. Perhaps this seems trivial to some. However, I have seen a few words of gratitude make a huge difference. So here is to finding a little more positive in a world that seems bleak. While we are consuming ourselves with negatitivity and vise versa, let’s pause and think of some gratitude. 

Here is mine for the day:

  • I have people who love me. They love me so much they are willing to take care of the things I love, like my dog. Thank you mom for taking care of Einstein. I am forever grateful for your enduring thoughtfulness. 
  • I have access to a great job, and if I am not careful, I will sabotage it before I even begin. It’s a sales job. I am not the best at sales, but that is because I over analyze, and I self-sabotage. I am my own worst enemy. However, I am fearless, motivated, dedicated , and in the words of a great friend, I am a badass. So here I am, on the verge of a new prospect. I am grateful for those who believe in me and all the wonderful things I can achieve. 
  • I am grateful for a niece who is beyond amazing. I hope I can be the person she already believes me to be. I am grateful for all the time we get to spend together. They are memories I will cherish forever.

Take some time out of your busy life to pause and be grateful. I am certain you will find more than three. Share them to everyone or share it only to yourself. Either way, be grateful and never let the negativity consume you. 

When You Are Lost, Remember – You Have FriendsĀ 

I often get lost in my thoughts. I drown in my sorrow. I forget about the people who love me. I disregard the opportunities to pick up a phone and ask for a lending ear. I toss aside all that is given. I forget I have friends. 

It’s not the friends who only call when they want something. It isn’t the friends who only drop by because you received money or bought a fancy new toy. 

These are friends who would give you everything they have. They would listen to your sorrows and wipe your tears. They are the definition of friendship. 

I soon leave behind friends who love me. 

I didn’t really know they did. I wasn’t fully aware. I was naive. I was certain I had the type of friends who weren’t really committed. In reality, I wasn’t actually sure of the friendships I held. I took most for granted. 

Tonight, as I sat around a table with my friends, I realized I had more than fleeting friendships. I had built foundations. I had nurtured lasting, beautiful friendships that I know will endure.  

I feel I realize this too late as my time in this state draws to a close. However, I also know that it’s better to realize this now than to never realize it at all. 

This past week has been amazing. I have met with people who I was sure I’d never see again. I reunited with people I never want to lose contact with. These are my people. They are people I can call. They are people I can rely upon. 

I love them. 

Friendships are a delicate thing. For a while, I remained confused; unsure of what I held. Tonight, and this past week reassures me that no matter what I am going through, no matter how bad I want to give up, and no matter how hard I struggle, I have friends that are willing to help me hold on. 

They are the ones – the ones I will never take for granted. I will always remember I have friends.