Hello my faithful followers. It’s Friday. For some of us, it is a good day. We slack off in the office. We count down the hours until it is time to leave
Oh Friday. ….
I’m having a difficult time feeling grateful lately.
Others are reminding me about how awesome things are going, and they are.
However, I’m a self-sabotager. (I’m making-up this word)
That’s right people. I sabotage my own happiness. Why? I don’t know.
I don’t allow myself to be truly happy. I never really have. I force myself to smile, to say hello, to give a hug here and there. It’s exhausting. At the end of the day, I need lots of room and silence to put on a happy face and face the world once more.
Even as I write this, I pause to contemplate what words I will type next. I’m tired.
So while I do post about being grateful, finding inspiration, and finding out who you truly are, I have days where it is all out of grasp, and that’s okay.
There is a bountiful list of things for which we should be grateful. We should seek to find who we are. We should always strive to become better. However, it’s okay to let it slip away, but not too far.
One day, I’ll stop sabotaging myself.
Today I will remind myself it isn’t as bad as I think and try to find a sliver of happiness because sometimes a sliver is all we have.
It’s been wondered if I’m okay. If I need anything.
I am not actually sure. My defenses automatically give the response that I’m fine. I don’t need assistance. I can do everything by myself.
When I think about my automated response, I reflect and know it’s a lie. I have been falling apart. My life has been crumbling and I stand on the edge of thinking I know what I want and living at a complete loss. Life became a complicated web of deceit. A deceit I created.
I talk about my half that made a decision to move. A decision that I helped with. I was certain it was all for the better. That I was strong enough to let go for the moment. I had done it before, I could do it again. I did. For a while. The days grew weary from lack of sleep. I started to notice things about myself that weren’t me. I went out a lot. While it was fun, I’ll never deny that, I may have been running from my feelings. It was certain I did not want to face a reality. A reality that was growing and becoming something I had to face.
It is easy to make excuses. To stop facing what is real and turn your back from fear. A fear fueled by uncertainty.
He moved, my other half, and I did not follow. It is now clear, more than ever, I know I should go. I leave behind friends and a few items. Each of them will be picked up and savored when I return. For I will return back to Colorado. A place where I feel I belong, just not at the current moment.
I can’t expect many to understand why I will leave friends and many I call family or why I would abandon a certain future, but I feel lost.
I have felt lost for quite some time and I am not certain I will ever find what I am looking for, or if I will ever find my purpose, but my entire being says to go. I have always listened to my gut, to my brain, and to my heart. Even if the outcome of the adventure wasn’t pleasant, I know I was meant to be exactly where I was led. It was to learn, to grow, and to find out a little more about myself. I cannot lie to the one person who counts in this world and that is myself.
I want to say thank you for following me. This blog has been a great release. I feel it is unfortunate that I haven’t used it to seek that release. Like many things, I turned to things that I felt were helping, but they were not. I left this blog slightly neglected. I am returning. Not with the full force I usually give, but with a new perspective on life. A deeper connection that I hope will serve me well. I hope to seek out dreams I have pondered since I was young. I hope to find a deeper meaning in my relationships.
Here I am. Back with insightful words. I hope you find some truth within them. For I feel we all face the same thing. We all have to face reality in our own way.
I had a very good weekend. I spent it with friends and I also spent it with my money. Remember an earlier post about too much self-care? I think… I am not going to say what you think, but I did buy a camera, paint supplies, and clothes, and in this case, I didn’t out do myself, so there. I took my new camera and went for a drive Sunday. I stopped at a few places and took in the view. Here is what I saw…
Find your inspiration today because it is Monday and they don’t always suck.
Last night, during class, we watched a video. It was (is) really amazing. the speaker talks about how people put success before happiness. He states that it should be the other way around. He then tells people how to achieve this. I really enjoyed the video and thought I would be kind and pass it along. I hope you enjoy it too and possibly implement some or all of the ideas. Enjoy and Have a happy Teachy Thursday!
PS. This guy is really funny.
So I missed yesterday to talk about Sam, I did not run today, and … What! What else do you want me to say?
I’m just kidding. I’m not mad. If I was, I would never direct it to my loyal fan base. I would just blame my husband for something he didn’t do and when he asks what he did, I will continually say – nothing. That’s right men. Women were put on this earth to do many things and number 5 or 8 on the list is confuse men.
Now, where was I?
Oh yes! I have had a busy weekend. I feel like I’m starting to move on with my loss. My husband and I took some of his toys, his food, and extra dog items to the local shelter. The woman who took Sam’s things immediately knew and gave her sympathies with a sad face. I almost cried. However, it’s what Sam would have wanted; to make others happy. The dogs in the shelter deserve a good bone, cookies, toys, and good food.
This past Saturday, (yesterday), I wanted to start a book about Sam. I wanted to talk about how we met. This was to be the first chapter. I did outline the book when I found out he had cancer. It may seem odd to some that I charted out a book about Sam’s life prior to his death, but it really helped the pre-grieving process. I will try to work on that this week and deliver Chapter 1 of… sorry, I don’t have a title yet.
As I mentioned before, I had a busy weekend. To remain on the brief topic of dogs, I will jump to today’s craziness and talk about my friends dogs. What a cute mess they are. It is said that many dogs, possibly all, can sense a person’s emotions. I’d like to think this is true. My dog would always remain very calm if I was crying like a baby, angry, or very sad. He also stayed very close if I was sick. If I was a jumbled cord of emotions, he would just lay his head on my lap and let me pet him. I could almost feel every ounce of emotion drain from my body. He soaked it up. When I became happy, he did too and the world was right again. This happened today. The oldest dog came to me and let me hug him. This isn’t something I would recommend you do to a dog because some can take it as a sign of aggression. This was not the case. I sat on the grass and he sat on my lap. He probably weighs over 80 pounds. I didn’t mind. I hugged him and he let me. In-between times of my senior doggy hugs, I played with their 6 month old dog. He is great, full of energy, and kisses. I love puppy kisses. It was amazing therapy and it didn’t cost me 100$ an hour. It was free. I helped take the dogs on a walk and enjoyed every minute of it. I may even take my friend’s advice and volunteer at the animal shelter. I’ve volunteered before and absolutely loved it.
Let’s jump back to Saturday. I went to the gym. Sounds boring I’m sure, but wait for it… that’s right, there is another message behind this tale. I ran on the one thing I have grown to hate, the treadmill. I really don’t like that thing. First, it’s incredibly boring. Everyone I say this to instructs me to watch tv. I really don’t watch tv. Second, the numbers pulse at me. They flash like the signs in Las Vegas and it slows me down. Then, the voices in my head, that I threatened many times, come back with their wonderful words of encouragement. I receive advice to keep me from hating that detestable machine, but I’m certain that the more I run on that…thing, the more I will grow to despise it. This was a problem because I really needed to run. I haven’t run since Sunday. The run on Sunday was horrible. I felt defeated and every hill was some major obstacle that I would never seize. I felt useless as a runner. I swam on Tuesday and I began to feel better about my life as an athlete.
I know, I’m whining a little – so what, it was a bad day.
I will tell you this. If you are a runner or any type of athlete, a bad day can break you. It’s what you do with the next day that puts your will to thrive on track. So on Saturday that is what I did. I ran on that tedious treadmill for 30 minutes, then I did something fun. I played basketball for 2 hours. I didn’t play with anyone. I just grabbed a ball and started shooting hoops. I did speed drills, I ran up and down the court, I passed the ball to myself from the wall, and I just had a good time. I didn’t worry about numbers. If you run, you get what I mean. It’s the numbers that plague you. How fast am I going? How much time have I ran? How many miles has it been? Bla… Bla… Bla. Please know I am not saying the numbers won’t help you, but at times, it can be really refreshing to let the numbers bother someone else. It is often good to forget the logistics. Perhaps I will remember this when I run tomorrow. Yes folks, tomorrow. I’m pretty sure that 2 hours of basketball and 30 minutes on that…thing, will make up for my lack of running today. Geez.
So what have we learned from this blog post? Or rather, what did I learn from my busy weekend, (there are more things that tied up my time, but I can’t share everything).
1 – Therapy. It doesn’t have to come from a doctor that charges too much.
2 – Running. It doesn’ t have to be so complicated. Take that lesson and apply it to everyday life. Exercise also brings me back to lesson number one. It is great therapy, no matter how you work your body.
It was a great weekend. It was filled with love, hope, acts of kindness, and everything I needed to guide me through life’s pothole filled road.