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2016

For some of us, 2016 was one of the worst years to date. It stole some very famous, loved people, it left some of us jobless, homeless, sick, and without anymore people to love. It was a rough stretch of road.

For myself, 2016 seemed to be a beginning of hope; everything was falling into place. I had a great new job prospect, I was going to sign on a house, and a relationship that was sure to become doomed seem to be mending itself. I was certain 2016 was going to be my best year yet.  

Before the beginning of February, it slowly started to fall apart. The new job fizzled away, the house fell through, and the relationship faded. By the middle of the year, I was thinking of ways to get out of my situation. It was going in circles and I needed to jump from the ferris wheel before it sent me off a cliff.  

I ended up deciding I needed to move back home. I needed to leave the sunshine, leave some very valuable friends, leave a decent job, and leave my marriage. By the end of August, I upheaved myself and my dog back to Missouri. I moved back into my parents at 36. That was rough. It took a lot of adjusting. I did not have a job and my bills piled.  

I often give up pretty quickly, but I knew I couldn’t. 2016 wasn’t going to get me. I sent out resumes, went to many interviews, and even landed a great job with help from a friend. The job wasn’t for me. So I went out to find another. I couldn’t give up.  

While I struggled to deal with reality, it started to hit me – my unsettled emotions. I never dealt with what I left behind. I started to break.  

For me, I always try to keep a good support system. I had to cling to it. My life would depend on it.  

I am better. 2016 tried to get me and I didn’t let it. I fought to stay a float.  

Living with my parents was one of the best decisions I have ever made. They have and continue to help me everyday. There are some things they do that I am not sure I will ever be able to pay back. Everyday I am grateful.  

2016 has taught me many lessons.

1. Not everyone is your friend.

2. Trusting others is a tricky delicacy.

3. Some friends will never be replaced or will ever want to be replaced.

4. Those with less, give more.

5. We are not meant to have everything, just everything we need.

6. The word grateful means more to me than years past.

7. Friends and family are my greatest assets.

8. There is more beauty in this world that was lost to me in the past.

9. Time is not to be squandered.

10. Love with all your heart because that’s all you have.
Even though 2016 was very difficult, I had to stop and see the good. This year has taught me to stop and realize just this. Look around you, find the joy, and embrace it. If you don’t, 2017 will be just as difficult as the years before.  

Life will try you. It will test your strength. Life will try to break you and never ask if you’re okay. You have to look out for yourself, and you have to make sure to cherish the ones that love you.  

Don’t make 2017 great. Instead, fill the year with memories, joy, laughter, tears, love, friends, and doing the things you love. For if you continue to keep doing these things, 2017 won’t be great because you tried to force it, it will be great because you lived exactly how you wanted.  

Thank you for continuing to read and follow my blog. I hope you found the good inside 2016 and I hope you find even more to be grateful for in 2017.  

Happy New Year.  

A Sliver…

Hello my faithful followers. It’s Friday. For some of us, it is a good day. We slack off in the office. We count down the hours until it is time to leave   

Oh Friday. ….

I’m having a difficult time feeling grateful lately. 

Others are reminding me about how awesome things are going, and they are. 

However, I’m a self-sabotager. (I’m making-up this word) 

That’s right people. I sabotage my own happiness. Why? I don’t know. 

I don’t allow myself to be truly happy. I never really have. I force myself to smile, to say hello, to give a hug here and there. It’s exhausting. At the end of the day, I need lots of room and silence to put on a happy face and face the world once more. 

Even as I write this, I pause to contemplate what words I will type next. I’m tired. 

So while I do post about being grateful, finding inspiration, and finding out who you truly are, I have days where it is all out of grasp, and that’s okay. 

There is a bountiful list of things for which we should be grateful. We should seek to find who we are. We should always strive to become better. However, it’s okay to let it slip away, but not too far. 

One day, I’ll stop sabotaging myself. 

Today I will remind myself it isn’t as bad as I think and try to find a sliver of happiness because sometimes a sliver is all we have. 

Transformation 

If feelings were tangible, I would burn them. I would tie them to a chair and begin my wrath of torture. My time would be consumed with giving each feeling exactly what it deserved.

What a world we live in when our feelings torture us and we can do nothing in return. We have to suffer; to learn how to cope. If we could only learn how to transform from them instead of living with them.

Lately, my feelings have consumed me. The change I have dealt with recently is leaving me in shambles. Coping with my torturous feelings is, at times, more than I can bear. It isn’t enough to cope anymore. I must transform.

I suppose my feelings are holding me captive and I am now developing Stockholm syndrome. If you are laughing at that statement, good. If you laughed and then cried, good. Transformation is emotional.

It can leave you weak, vulnerable, and it can also leave you strong. Those three words separately are different. When they are together, they transform into something much different. Let me explain.

My feelings often leave me weak. When I am weak, I am vulnerable to my thoughts. The scariest part about my thoughts are they can lead to harm. The last thing I want is for my thoughts to overtake my logic. The beauty in transformation is the strength. When my emotions drain my energy, I don’t want to do a whole lot. I would rather suffer. I can’t. It isn’t an option. Strength finds its way and transforms my vulnerability into a sliver of confidence. It isn’t much, but it is enough. Once I become confident, I am no longer weak.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also a blessing. If we do not learn to transform from our suffering, we will lose the will to cope, and our feelings will hold us captive – forever.

Will they come back for round two? Sure, but our transformation has left us stronger and more willing to fight. Soon, our feelings will find us, but leave in the same amount of time. We will recognize them, and take control.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also beautiful. It has made you the person you are today. Perhaps you haven’t fully transformed as of yet. Many of us do not see it’s entirety until we reach an old age. But that is why we are here. To be better than the last time. May it take a lifetime to achieve what I failed to achieve in my last life, for in the next life, I will know, and I will conquer.

So transform, become great, be strong, and face your feelings. They will guide you to the person you were born to be.

We Must Love Change

I was in an interview the other day, and I was asked about change. She asked if I thought change was beneficial and if I adapted well.

I nearly laughed. (I’m an awkward person with a knack to make any situation weird)

Instead I held in my sarcastic humor and decided, thankfully, to be serious.

We need change. Without it we will never grow. We will never truly know who we are. If life did not adjust without consulting us first, how would we ever know how to adapt. Change is a necessary tool for our survival.

Adapting to change is difficult. It brings a certain amount of stress though we have no actual idea of the exact amount it will bring. We try and prepare ourselves for the worst and our efforts are never good enough. We then, have to adapt even more, and for some it is beyond what they can handle.

Many times I’ve sat in a pile of my own tears wondering if life was worth the suffering because change wasn’t willing to bend.

These moments test us and we either grow or we fall.

In these moments, or perhaps after the tears and screams, we have to assess. We have to process. We have to take a moment and find out why.

For me, especially lately, I have to look around me and find an ounce of gratitude.

Last Friday or it may have been the Friday before, I posted a list of things for which I was grateful. It seemed to do well, and in the spirit of today’s celebration of 300 followers, I bring you my gratitude list of today.

  1. The will and need to write.
  2. Parents who love and support me.
  3. Access to the internet so that I may entertain you.
  4. A dog. He’s the reason I’m here.
  5. Friends. I have some really great friends.
  6. Finding a job.
  7. A new adventure.
  8. Stove Top Stuffing (I know, but I seriously love it)
  9. Paid bills
  10. Change.

Being grateful can be a challenge. Change is difficult. Being strong isn’t easy. But you weren’t put on this earth to ride the kiddy train, were you?
Happy Friday. May change make you grateful.
Here’s a picture of my dog. He makes me happy.

 

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He finally gave in.

300! (No, not the movie)

Many may scoff at the number. Their blogs with followers that reach the thousands, or perhaps they are even being paid for their endeavors. 

While I aspire to become more like them, I must acknowledge the people who keep my dream alive. 

Today, at the meek hour of approximately 3 am, this blog has 300 followers. 

300! Hey, that’s a lot of people. 

This blog has been running for about 7 years, possibly more, I’d have to look that up. 

I’ve written words that made us laugh, cry, shiver, and possibly words that gave us hope and made the day a bit brighter. 

However, I would never grow if it weren’t for the readers. So I thank you. 

Thank you for reading. Thank you for following. Thank you for letting me be me. 

I See It Now

I live in the woods now. I have a never ending grab at plot lines and stunning inspiration. 

This morning, I found myself hunting in District 12. Only I am not Katniss, and I didn’t, nor do I, have a bow and arrow. However, this bird was singing, and it reminded me of a mockingjay. It was beautiful. I stood outside, in the brisk dawn air, trying to locate the noise. I couldn’t. It was almost as if I were locked in a dream. 

This afternoon, I was walking through some of the richest history the United States has to offer, and I thought of what it was like to build a precarious house perched inside the rocks of a mountain. The house was so thin, yet so tall. I imagined what it must have been like to live there, what the actual history of the house was, and how indifferently interested I was on wanting to take a peek inside. Would I be possessed by its latter inhabitants or would I become mesmerized by what lingered behind the layer of rocks and wood? 

As the day breezed by, I walked outside, in the night, to find myself craning in an awkward position to fully absorb every single star. I couldn’t. There were millions. They danced and sparkled. It was a blank, black canvass and in all the artist’s excitement, silver glitter was tossed into the air and landed exactly in its assigned spot. I stood in awe. I wanted desperately to push away the trees so that I may see the glittered canvas in its entirety. Instead, I took it in pieces and it was marvelous. 

I look around at every detail, and I am taken back, briefly and sometimes longer. It’s inspiration I must have missed before. Perhaps I was blind to it; too busy to care. I was, perhaps, lost within myself too much to know what true beauty is. 

I see now. 

Find inspiration today. Find it and pause. Soak in all the details and find what you most desire. 

Let this Monday meet you with plenty of daydreams and inspirational thoughts. 

Get It Together

A friend of mine kicked my ass last night with a verbal “get it together” smack in the face. I laughed at first, but I read it again and knew she was right. 

I often get these verbal “get it together” smacks in the face, but I soon forget about the motivation and find my murky hole and bury myself in pity. 

However, if I do not get it together, my life is going to be hell. It’ll get worse for the time being, trust me, but it could get even worse. Knowing this, I should be prepared and remember these wise words: get it together. 

It is often hard to hear things. We toss words aside and as they are being said to us, we nod in agreement and we even say “I know.”  However, we don’t take these words and put them into affect. 

Get your shit together. 

We won’t do it until we are truly ready. 

Today, I’m ready. If I want to get my head out of my ass, I need to listen to my friends words and get it together. 

So if you are reading this and your life is being sucked down a shit filled toilet, please know you’re not alone. Do not drown in your sorrows anymore. You take life by the nutsack and yank until it screams in mercy. 

Get out of your pity hole and rise above the bullshit. 

You have to or you’ll never make it. 

Get it together. 

A Little Inspiration

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on a Monday. As anyone knows, Monday’s can often be cruel. We have weekend blues and wished that Monday was part of that weekend. What we have to do, but can seem impossible, is to find inspiration. I find myself looking through Instagram when I need a “mood pick me up.”

I look at dogs. I love dogs. I especially love my dog. He is patient, kind, and he loves people. 

For a little inspiration this Monday, here are photos of my dog; two things this blog hasn’t seen in a while. 

Enjoy. Have a good Monday. 

It’s Not That Bad

It’s Friday, and all I can think about is how horrible the week was. However, I have to pause. I have to think about anything good, anything. So here it goes.

  1. I managed to find myself safe.
  2. I managed to not sleep in my car.
  3. I received money so I could find my way back home.
  4. People only give what they can, and that’s okay.
  5. I found the will to write 4 times.
  6. I was able to watch TV which included a horror movie.
  7. I have WiFi.
  8. My car is nice.
  9. I have good health.
  10. I have food.

There, 10 things. Not too shabby. I need to do this more often, or more than often, I will find myself in a negative thought process and the only place that will lead me is a cold shower, and orange jump suit, and a girlfriend or four. Because as we know, I’m too pretty for prison.

 

Happy Friday, and as someone I know would tell me, Be Blessed. For me, be grateful.

A Small Town

I’ve been pondering this thought for a while now: learning more about small towns and what they teach me. It enters my mind when a sign tells me to slow and I enter a scene straight from a movie. Buildings line a two-lane street; cars parked in front of lined-up shops. A single flashing red light in the middle of the road. A train track running parallel to the main drive. A place where the livestock out number the residents. The thought trickles in when I see a worn down home or an abandoned building. I wonder how a small town even manages to survive. It looks as though the entire place will dry up with one swoop of a money drought. They will leave everything behind, never to step place in another small town again. Dried-up, they will say. 

It is then I start to talk to the people of those small towns and I see the determination, the sheer will on their faces. They refuse to give up, to turn-a-cheek, or to give in to a city way of life. The believe in their town so much, they are willing to do what is needed in order for it to survive. They find the money somehow. They turn to their faith. They turn to each other. 

It makes me think how we look at life and see something falling apart, and instead of doing what needs to be done to fix it, we just toss it aside and find something that we believe is better. If we would have just tried a little harder, perhaps we could have saved it. We could have endured. 

I suppose I look at some of my decisions in life and wonder what would of happened if I maintained the small town mentality. What would have happened if I had just stuck through, toughed it out, made do with what I had. 

However, there is another quality of small town people that I enjoy and it is their knowing of how to handle regret. You don’t. Not to say you don’t handle anything, but if you don’t have it, then you don’t need to handle it. 

So I suppose I could regret a million things, and dwell on what was, or I can gather some small town mentality and push for another day, make the most of what I have, and learn to be comfortable with what I got. I can’t ponder on the should haves’ and the should have nots’. I just need to be. What’s done is done. 

I learn more things in a small town than I ever have living in a big city. And perhaps, it is that I learn things on both sides of the fence, but there’s a side of the fence that is much slower, and because of that I have more time to learn. Perhaps. 

Many lessons have been through this hard head of mine. They have swealtered, diminished, and they have flourished. However, something about seeing how this great land thrives, gets my brain wondering. What does a small town really teach me?

  • You can’t feel sorry for people and all the things you think they don’t have. For those are the ones that have it all.
  •  When you go through a small town, think of all the people who stay to make it great. They have loyalty, respect, ethics, values, morals, and most of all, they have love. 
  • They live without regret. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 
  • They strive hard to make a life for those around them. If you don’t have each other, you have no one. 

Just some random thoughts for today. 

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