Blog Archives

Losing My Way

I’ve lost my way time and time again.

Searching through the ruble,

wiping the dust from my shins

I often find a clearing,

the light shines through

I start to climb to freedom,

hope fills the air

I reach for a boulder,

to make my last steps

It was an illusion. 

It was never there.

I lose my grip on the vanishing air.

My feet slip below me

The darkness settles in

And now I’ve lost my way

time and time again.

A Small Town

I’ve been pondering this thought for a while now: learning more about small towns and what they teach me. It enters my mind when a sign tells me to slow and I enter a scene straight from a movie. Buildings line a two-lane street; cars parked in front of lined-up shops. A single flashing red light in the middle of the road. A train track running parallel to the main drive. A place where the livestock out number the residents. The thought trickles in when I see a worn down home or an abandoned building. I wonder how a small town even manages to survive. It looks as though the entire place will dry up with one swoop of a money drought. They will leave everything behind, never to step place in another small town again. Dried-up, they will say. 

It is then I start to talk to the people of those small towns and I see the determination, the sheer will on their faces. They refuse to give up, to turn-a-cheek, or to give in to a city way of life. The believe in their town so much, they are willing to do what is needed in order for it to survive. They find the money somehow. They turn to their faith. They turn to each other. 

It makes me think how we look at life and see something falling apart, and instead of doing what needs to be done to fix it, we just toss it aside and find something that we believe is better. If we would have just tried a little harder, perhaps we could have saved it. We could have endured. 

I suppose I look at some of my decisions in life and wonder what would of happened if I maintained the small town mentality. What would have happened if I had just stuck through, toughed it out, made do with what I had. 

However, there is another quality of small town people that I enjoy and it is their knowing of how to handle regret. You don’t. Not to say you don’t handle anything, but if you don’t have it, then you don’t need to handle it. 

So I suppose I could regret a million things, and dwell on what was, or I can gather some small town mentality and push for another day, make the most of what I have, and learn to be comfortable with what I got. I can’t ponder on the should haves’ and the should have nots’. I just need to be. What’s done is done. 

I learn more things in a small town than I ever have living in a big city. And perhaps, it is that I learn things on both sides of the fence, but there’s a side of the fence that is much slower, and because of that I have more time to learn. Perhaps. 

Many lessons have been through this hard head of mine. They have swealtered, diminished, and they have flourished. However, something about seeing how this great land thrives, gets my brain wondering. What does a small town really teach me?

  • You can’t feel sorry for people and all the things you think they don’t have. For those are the ones that have it all.
  •  When you go through a small town, think of all the people who stay to make it great. They have loyalty, respect, ethics, values, morals, and most of all, they have love. 
  • They live without regret. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 
  • They strive hard to make a life for those around them. If you don’t have each other, you have no one. 

Just some random thoughts for today. 

Finding Peace

I have made a huge change in my life. It involved separating from my spouse and moving across many states to begin a new life with my family. I quit a job that housed some magnificent co-workers. I left friends. 

What I find, as I sit here in a quiet house surrounded by the peace of nature, is I left chaos. I left negativity. What I hope the most is I left my own negative self thousands of miles away. 

It’s only been two days, but the sounds of nature, the crisp air, and the peace of my surroundings leave me feeling as if I could never be angry anymore. 

I read posts on social media and find myself not instantly reacting. I find myself pausing and thinking about why and where the negativity stems. I breathe and only hope that person finds the same peace I have found. 

We all deserve solitude. We all deserve a break from the negativity, the hate, and the drama. 

What remains life’s question is how we find it. But for most of us, we know where it is. Unfortunately, we fight the urge to be where we need to be. 

I did that for many years. Deep in my soul, I knew exactly where I was supposed to be, but I fought it. I sought solace in other areas only to find myself in chaos. I was always distraught and I thrived on negativity. It wasn’t what I really wanted or where I knew I should really be. 

Many of us settle. We decide life will not get any better and we skip out on our dreams. We run away from our true intentions. We decide that we are not able to make change. 

This is wrong. You can change. You, my dear reader, can do whatever you want. You don’t have to live in chaos. You do not have to reside with negativity. You do not have to remain. You can set yourself free. 

It will take courage. It will take all your strength. You will lose parts of yourself. 

However, you will gain so much more. 

So to those who feel trapped, beaten down, and lost in your own mind, ask yourself if it’s worth it. Search for what you really want and take the first step to make it happen. Never settle. Never give in. Seek what you desire. 

Where there is hope, there is way. 

I Was Brainwashed Once.

I have a rant. You can say what you want, but please, for the love of all things, stop judging.

This rant has been building in me for years. I hope you’re ready.

I have a dog. He has a big head, large muscles, and he is very sensitive. He knows when you don’t like him. He knows when people are sad, mad, happy, and all our other mix of emotions. He will gladly lick your face, clean the inside of your ears, and sniff your feet. He cuddles. He leans on you and uses your body as a recliner. He wants to be with you at all times. When he can’t, he patiently waits for your arrival.

He scared me at first. I was unsure. I was worried that he would turn vicious. I was brainwashed.

Before my dog, I was a volunteer at a humane society. I was one of their dog trainers. They saw a large number of dogs. Some dogs could be saved, some could not. I’ve seen all types of dogs. When I walked into his cage, I was nervous. He came from a bad past.

He sat in the corner and watched as I entered his space. I didn’t make eye contact. I came in, locked the cage, and took a seat on the cold floor. I sat against the cage wall. I sat away from him. I was nervous.

He walked over slowly. He was sniffing. I kept my eyes directly ahead. When he was close, he stopped, then he sat. I always kept a stash of delicious treats in my hand and a training device in the other. When his butt hit the floor, I clicked my device and put a treat next to his paw. I stayed looking ahead. He stayed focused on me. This routine kept until the treats were gone.

I was still nervous. What if all the news reals were true? What if he snapped and went for my throat? What if his jaw locked and I couldn’t break free? The “what ifs” flooded my brain.

His tail wagged so hard it thumped on the concrete. He was staring at me, waiting for my next move.

During his life, humans beat him, shocked him, left him out in the Florida heat, and tied heavy chains around his neck. If there are any “what ifs”, it should be coming from the dog.

He should be wondering if I am going to beat him, shock him, or make him fight for his life. He’s the one who should be nervous.

Instead, he wags his tail. He takes the treats. He waits for me. He watches my behavior. He trusts me. He is still hopeful. He has so much love that he can’t help but be happy even though I might be the next human that does him harm.

I hold out my hand. He leans forward, sniffs, and licks my skin. His tongue can’t help it so he licks my arm. His tail wags harder and he licks my face. I give him a gentle pat and before you know it, we are playing, cuddling, and loving with all our hearts.

It was in that moment my closed, brainwashed heart became bigger. I fell in love with a breed that is hated for how they look. They are hated for their sheer power. They are hated and they are feared. When a human is scared, it is the most scariest place to be.

I love my dog. When I first saw his face, I knew he would be great. However, the media is a powerful thing. My nerves took over, once again. I knew my new love would become big. I knew he would become my greatest protector. I knew his strength would make others and even me stand on edge.

He tested me.

He is two now. He loves, he plays, and he shows people he isn’t what the media says. He isn’t what the scared human creates. He is just a dog.

I saw him change a mind today. He changes minds all the time, but something struck me with this lady.

I come out of my car. She is standing on my steps that lead to my home. She is nervous. I see me standing there, opening a cage, and not knowing if I would leave.

He approached. She asked if he was vicious because “he looks vicious”. I calmly said no. He’s a lover. He licked her hand gently, as if he knew he should. “Here, let me lick your hand so you can know I’m not mean, I just look that way”.

She smiled and giggled.

A wet nose and a soft tongue can make the worst cynic smile. She followed me into my home and while we talked, my dog sat and waited. She commented on how good he was and I said, they all are. We just have to give them a chance.

My rant is fueled by my own previous bias. My rant is fueled by a public who knows only what they read and what they hear. My rant is fueled by all the abused dogs who only want to love. They only want to be friends. They only want to teach us to love the same; without bias.

A large head, large muscles, and a strong will mean only one thing to me now – a dog with a heart large enough to change a brainwashed mind.

I own a pit bull. He owns my heart.

 

This is Einstien.

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I’m A Writer. What’s Your Dream? 

If you’ve ever had a dream, you should follow it, no matter how crazy you think it is. 

That sounds corny, doesn’t it. It is – sorta. It may be the corniest statement you ever read. However, all the successful people utter those words consistently. They preach them when ever they can. So why shouldn’t you? 

My life is a serious of tragedies. One more pathetic than the next. 

That has to be the worst statement ever written. However, the ones without a dream in the world, utter this like clockwork everyday. They preach it. The negativity spews like lava from a boiling volcano. 

I progress everyday. Not a moment goes by where I don’t think about what I really want. Every second I wonder how I can achieve my goal. I always have a plan. I always have an option. I even make plans when all is going wrong and my luck is like a butterfly I try to catch with my broken fingers. 

I never stop pondering how, what, when, where, and why. When people ask what I want to be when I grow up, I tell them the same story. 

It’s the things I do in between my time as a person working toward my goal to the person living my dream. Those moments in between help foster the stories I long to tell. They help me grow. So I’ll take whatever experience I can get. In the mean time, I stay driven for my one, true purpose; to become what I’ve always dreamed. 

So what will it be? Will you have a dream or will you ooze negativity? 

The Struggle 

All who know me, know my mind is a dark place. The only true solace is my fingers on the keyboard. It is a sweet release. Poems and short stories seem the way to go for myself. I hope you enjoy. 

I look ahead,

I cannot see. 

I look behind,

I’m drowning. 

I see my soul,

Its darkness seeps. 

It oozes out, 

It cuts deep. 

I reach for life, 

I grab at death.

I open my eyes, 

Before my last breath. 

The Cycle

The heart screams 

The brain dreams

Ideas flourish 

Reality wilts 

Hope drowns 

Insecurity swells

Darkness thrives

Dreams fade 

The heart cries

The brain dies

Let Me Do What I Can

I can’t tell you if things will be okay.

I can’t tell you if the pain will go away.

I can’t foresee the light in the sky.

I can’t foresee the tears in your eyes.

I can’t change the world in a day.

I can’t change time or stop the decay.

If life is about constant regrowth,

I can’t tell you how much you’ll be worth.

I can give you spare amounts of hope.

I can give you advice to help cope.

I can give you thoughts to ease the pain.

I can give you shelter out of the rain.

If life is about constant regrowth,

Let me help you become more than worth. 

Happy Inspirational Monday

Be free to help someone today. They may need it.

The Burning Question

Everyday I learn a little something more about my self than the day before. Lately, I am learning more than I would like. I am learning things that I would rather not deal with. I am learning about the real me, and I don’t find it flattering.

Finding ways to deal with these findings are even more challenging. I seem to always need a plan, a way to fight through any struggles. This isn’t always possible. In fact, it isn’t possible at all. I can’t have a plan to deal with my faults. There isn’t one. There never was. The only way I can fight through and find myself is to deal – to cope. I can become a better person, but there isn’t an instruction manual. This is what I fight with. I need answers, a checklist, and when it comes to life, there isn’t one. So I have to find ways to deal with my faults. I have to find ways to cope and make my self a better person. This is done through trials. It is done through mistakes. I can find my self by working through my faults.

My problem with knowing what to do, is giving my self time to accomplish the nearly impossible. I want change yesterday. I want to be stronger last week. I wanted to know what to do last year. It is difficult to face this reality. I can’t have control over these things. I do know, however, that I may be able to change my self for the better, and that gives me an ounce of hope. I know I don’t have to be codependent with people. I know I can mange my life, my money, and my time more effectively. I know I can deal with life’s constant road blocks in ways that don’t harm me or others. I know that given time, I can be the person I was meant to be. My struggle is answering the burning question – How?

I suppose if I knew that answer, I would be the guru of knowledge and I would be bombarded by people seeking to take it. I am not that person. I do know the universe and all of its wonder will lead me to where I need to be and give me the answers when I am ready – never sooner, never later. That, perhaps is the greatest life lesson of all –

Have patience. Always seek knowledge to grow. Be exactly who you are, when you are.

Purpose

I say a lot of things. Sometimes my words are meaningless. They are just random pieces of sound falling out of my mouth that create what some might call hot air. Other times, the words that flow from these lips or onto paper, are not meaningless. To some they speak volumes. My words can pull at the heart strings, make your brain burn from thought, and often my words can give a new perspective on life.

When I put this blog together, I never had any real direction. This blog has been down many paths. I’ve written stories, made cakes, posted random pictures and quotes. Then there are the days when my heart is bleeding profusely, and my only outlet for any type of survival, is to open my computer, log in, and pour my heart into thoughts. It has helped me more than many will know. I have cried over the pecks of my fingers on the keys. I have laughed. I have vented pure anger. I have opened parts of my soul that I never knew existed. I have found myself. I have lost myself. I have given myself purpose.

Perhaps, I may have given others purpose as well. I often search my thoughts and wonder what all of this is for. I have been blogging for almost four years. I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I have been searching my soul for purpose the moment I was born. I often think I know for certain what I am supposed to do – what my heart longs. It is to help people. It is to wake everyday and do something for the greater good. I am sure of it. I can do it through here. By helping myself, I can help others. I can do it through my job, and I can do it without any means at all.

Purpose drives the soul. I believe we are all here for one thing – to help others. We all have many talents. I love to write. I love to counsel. This is how I will fulfill my purpose. Others have gifts to offer that I don’t. It is their purpose to share those gifts and help others. In turn, they will help themselves, just as this blog has helped me.

It may be presumptuous to proclaim I have found the reason why I am here, but I really feel it is true. I’ve said it many times, but the universe has a plan. If you listen, look, and keep an open mind, it will tell you exactly where to be, the words to listen to, and give you a sense of purpose.

Thank you for reading. I hope you continue to do so and I will continue to write as long as my heart continues to bleed.

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