FU, Cold.

As I was preparing to leave a horrible shift at the diner, a small tickle hit the back of my throat. Then, I started to cough. After some time, my nose began to run, and all I could think was how fitting it was to start a cold at the end of a equally nasty day.

It was my Friday and my immune system could care less. That night, I slept in an anxiety ridden sleep. I woke with the hopes of doing all my tasks, only to be defeated by a stupid cold.

Today, the cold still lingures, but I refuse to let another day pass where I do absolutly nothing.

Last week I blogged about my supreme organizing skills for a new book I am writing. Which can be found at Chanillo. I am part of a writing group called Ninja Writers, (it can be found on FB). Each day, for the 31 day writing/reading challenge, I get an email from the creator of the group telling us what each day brings. Last week, I printed out these goal sheets for the book. Beacause of my cold, I have yet to write in them, but I did want to show them off.

Just a list of books I am going to write. Yay for number 1!Page 4Page 3Page 2Page 1 of book organizing. My printed motivation. The Book Cover. Don't take it, bitches. It's mine.

This is an exciting journey, and I am happy to have you here with me.

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I’m Trying – A Lot

What a morning. It isn’t even 10 am and I’ve already felt very overwhelmed. My anxiety is hitting me hard today. But alas, I must move forward while I have a few minutes of peace.

I was starting to blog today about some really cute items I picked up at Micheals. Then the anxiety started sinking in. I had to stop to regroup before I exploded and everyone around me became a victim.

If you have anxiety (you do not suffer from it), you know it can be hard to regroup. Luckily, I have my dog. He helps me find my center.

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Today’s focus wasn’t about my anxiety, though. It just ended up being all I could think about at the moment. What I really came here to tell you about is my top-notch, over the top, organizing skills. Here’s what I acquired at Micheals. I spent too much money, but oh, it’s so cool.

I pretty excited about my new things. Hopefully, I can get my life on track and keep up with what I pretend to be: a normal, functioning adult who loves shiny things, and her dog.

How do you keep organized?

Oh Yeah… Again

Yesterday I blogged about my amazing accountability notebook. I have been so involved with my notebook and starting this novel, that I forgot about real life, and in real life, you have to pay bills and be an adult. Well who’s managing that for me?

Oh right… me. Shit.

So I forgot to pay a few hundred bills, and… well…. shit.

Well, while writing inside my accountability notebook, we will call it, The Responsible One, I reminded myself, or perhaps it did, to take responsibility over my other life.

So today, I entered a couple of notebooks that have been collecting dust, (sorry notebooks).

I purchased these at Micheal’s. I love them. Though not enough to use them on a regular since I purchased them two years ago.

But alas! They have returned to keep me slightly productive, and almost completely organized. They can only do so much. They are just notebooks, you know.

However, now I think I need a bigger binder.

Here is to keeping organized, keeping my bills paid, keeping my credit score at average, (no one likes an over achiever), and to keeping me sane, because that’s the most important attribute.

And. Here. We. Go.

Oh Yeah

Obviously, I love to write. Lately, I’ve been succeeding in keeping myself organized.

I’ve downloaded Grammarly to keep me in check. I’ve been participating in a writing challenge, and I’ve been pretty diligent.

The most important thing about the challenge is how it makes you think creatively.

It asks you to write 10 ideas. Let me tell you, writing 10 ideas every day is difficult. I’ve labeled mine 10 impossible things. Since writing 10 ideas is nearly impossible.

However, today, while doing the impossible, I thought – what’s the point of writing all this down if I don’t get something out of it.

So today, I challenge myself to go back to my impossible ideas every month and act on the best ones and even the not so great ones.

Let’s see what I can do.

Also, on a side note, I wrote some for my upcoming book which you can subscribe to on Channillo

It’s going to be amazing. I can’t showcase the work here, but here are some pictures of me being productive.

I gave myself a hulk sticker because I deserve it.

Happy Writing!

I Let You Go

I wrote this piece a while back about someone I used to love. I say used to, and know that’s a lie. I still love them, but I’ve guarded my heart against them. This person had such a power over who I was. Letting go of such a thing is no easy task. It took years, a great friend, and an awakening. This piece is my moment. May this person find theirs.

I fell in love with you. I woke one day and it occurred that I didn’t love you like a friend, I loved you like a lover. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to be with you as long as life would let us.

You nearly had me convinced. You talked of marriage – of future plans. I was in awe of it. However, I should have known. I should have known it was only an escape for you. A way to fantasize about something other than your current situation. An out. A statement that said, fuck it rather than a statement with any real meaning.

I fell for you. I almost made plans. Plans for us to be together. I was willing to compromise your lust for others just so I could be with you.

I almost had myself convinced it would work out.

I almost settled. I almost gave in.

Sometimes it takes others to show you what’s wrong. When you’re so disillusioned, it takes the eyes and wisdom of another being to guide you to what is right. I found that person. Someone who made me realize I was never getting what I wanted and that you were only around when the statement “fuck it” came to mind.

Perhaps it would have worked. Perhaps we could have been happy. I would have tried. The fog lifted, though. I cried for it to return. I yearned to be blind. I screamed to feel the pain of never having you. But another warmth settled in and gave me the strength to dry my tears, to see, and to stop the pain.

I have to let go. My heart can’t take anymore.

I hope you find peace in your storm. May you break free of what binds you, and know that happiness is not found in others by way of casual leisure, one night stands, and broken promises, it’s found in you.

You can make yourself happy. Do this, and your discontent will end.

She’s My Mom

Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and remember I can only control myself. I can not control others.

This morning, (and it’s not even over with – which is even more distressing), I have delt with a whirlwind of emotions from myself and from others.

I’m pretty good at coping, but my anger flows so strong that if you’re around, you may get angry too and not know why.

So I have to stop and breath. I have to tell myself to calm down.

What’s rough is not absorbing other people’s emotions.

My mother and I do this to each other. We absorb each other’s energy.

It can be exhausting. At this moment, I am mentally exhausted.

Everything is bothering me. She is bothering me.

However, she’s my mother. She’s been there for me. She’s bathed me, clothed me, fed me, and kept me safe. She has done everything she knew to make me into the person I am today. And if you know me, I’m pretty awesome. 😉

My mother is everything I am.

My mother is the same ball of emotions that I embody.

I take a deep breath when she “bothers” me because I know how many breaths she had to take when I bothered her.

This is for my mother. May she never change. May I never try to control her. May I always love her for everything she is for it is everything I long to be.

It’s Tough

I saw an email today that talked about how writing was hard.

I agree.

It’s a hard habit to get into. Much harder than all my other vices. I have to yell at myself. Get my self away from everything else. I can’t write while I’m doing something. I need time and a small batch of solitude.

I started this 31 day challenge to write everyday, and it’s hard.

But what’s harder is how I am toward myself.

So here’s to letting go, finding peace, and a place to let my fingers type and my brain be free.

I Have to Win: A Poem

I haven’t been myself, lately.

I’m stressed to the core.

I snap, I bite, even when wounds are sore.

I can’t control the processes

I feel I’m bleeding out

Everything is spinning

It’s why I continue to shout

There’s never an off switch

I’m manic with rage

I’ll dig my own ditch

I’ll sign my own grave

I’ll keep knowing I’m drowning

I’ll never ask for a raft

I’ll keep knowing I’m bleeding

I’ll just ask for it back

Let me dance with my demons

Let me fight till the end

When it’s over

It’s I who has to win.

Lately, I have been an absolute mess. I can’t control the one thing I should have control over, my emotions. They are at their absolute worse.

I need more solace than ever, but life keeps me down. However, I realize, I am never out.

Another thing I realize is I never ask for help. I can’t stand when others ask if I’m okay. I’m breathing, aren’t I? I’m here. That’s all the proof you need. But they know better and my face shows my weak side. The side that needs comfort and a shoulder to shed my tears. But my mind stops it all.

So I tread water. For someday, I will stop drowning in a sea of blood from my own self-destruction.

The Trees: A Poem

It was the trees placed in their particular way

That made me notice the house one day

They incased it in an odd u shape

Lingering, creeping, like a crooked face

The house had fallen years ago

The trees stood staring never letting go

Death was in the ground like a poison seeping in

The trees hung like shrouds letting death soak like sin

Life grew around it like a tease in the night

Telling death to come closer to the light

It’s all too eerie to tear it all down

Like a bride never shredding the gown

You stare and you wonder what it’s like for the trees

To let everything they touch cease to be.

Along the highway, on my way to work, a group of trees partially circle a fallen house. Everything around it is dead. It’s the inspiration for this poem.

Lovers Lost: A Poem

They told me to quit

But I couldn’t

They told me to stop

But I wouldn’t

I said I’d stop

But I couldn’t

I said I’d quit

But I wouldn’t

I love your lips

The sway in your hips

I love your hair

Your skin so fair

I love your eyes

I love it all

But hearts were broken

No words were spoken

The pain too deep

For words to keep

I left in shambles

Too hard to handle

But I see you now

So happy – no frowns

I imagine your laugh

I envision your smile

Though it’s been a while

I can smell your skin

Hear the laugh again

I’ll love to the end

After I love again

I want to stop

But I can’t

I want to quit…

Holding on

I’ll love you till we’re gone

Not your average poem, but this wasn’t your average love. Love isn’t something I’m very familiar with. I fell once. Hard. I never saw it coming. I just knew and my feelings were strong. I’m not good with feelings. The process of processing scares me, so I ran.

Love isn’t a game I’m willing to play so in order to withdraw, I’ll break a heart; including my own.