I’ve lost my way time and time again.
Searching through the ruble,
wiping the dust from my shins
I often find a clearing,
the light shines through
I start to climb to freedom,
hope fills the air
I reach for a boulder,
to make my last steps
It was an illusion.
It was never there.
I lose my grip on the vanishing air.
My feet slip below me
The darkness settles in
And now I’ve lost my way
time and time again.
I haven’t been here in a while. It seems it is becoming a pattern. I keep losing my way. I am unguided by my own failing light. It is only through moments of clarity that I seem to find a way to keep the torch burning. I find that clarity through moments of personal struggle. In fact, I find the clarity through many personal attributes: personal strengths, personal growth, personal resentments, personal awareness, personal revelations, and personal defaults, otherwise known as character defects. The clarity comes from within and when it shines, I am blinded with profound thoughts. They want to come pouring out at the most horrible of times, for instance – 3 am. I can’t stop the creativity, I can only nurture it.
I have faced many feelings over my personal struggles. Lately, I have felt lonely, angry, and through it all, sad. I rise to the occasion when I am needed, only showing strength, However, when the curtain falls, I shatter, only to mend myself when the second act begins. This time, however, I have lost some pieces of myself, and it is harder to mend what’s left.
So what is a girl to do? I can sit here and write all day about my inner demons and how they keep me up at ungodly hours or I can work through them. Essentially, that is what I am doing by writing. There is no greater therapy, but it may not be exactly what I need. I am not exactly sure what I need. I may find it, someday, through the fog, through the dark tunnels – just when my last ember is starting to fade. I may come across a personal growth and a way to light my torch will appear. It always does, but not before I am at a near breaking point. This too, is something that always happens. As I am learning, it happens to us all. It is how we deal with the matters before us that set us apart.
I choose to lose my sanity, have my soul shatter to a million pieces, and lose my way, time and time again. I also chose to keep moving forward. When the curtain draws, and I stand before the crowd, I will smile, and try to seek the light for my fading torch. I will fight every demon I have to break free of the personal struggles that claw at me daily. For if I do not, I will always be in darkness picking up the broken pieces, and never finding the parts that matter.
My heart still breaking.
My stomach still aching.
I try describing the pain.
It’s like a broken vein.
I cry for what could have been.
For a life that had to end.
I tried to grieve and I couldn’t.
I’m now sure that I wouldn’t
The tears will not stop flowing
Please stop this pain from growing.
I wrote this after an overwhelming urge to cry. I’ve never dealt with a loss. I think I tried to make the grieving process a thing to be scheduled. I miss him deeply. The painting is something I drew over a year ago. the words are a poem written many years ago. If you would like to read one of my first attempts at poetry, follow the link.
I woke up this morning feeling like someone who has just lost an arm or a leg. It is strange to think that after 10 years, today I will not be making anymore special trips outside to watch my friend potty or play. My appendage has been taken and it still feels as if he is here. It’s rather hard to tell yourself no.
I am a person who is busy and loves to remain that way. It is often hard for me to detach myself from my life and take a few minutes for myself.
I want to clean the room of his belongings, vacuum the hair, and clean the yard of his leftovers. I want to be busy.
A dear friend called yesterday and gave some advice. I do listen at times and know that what she says is knowledgable and not just random words. She asked that I retreat somewhere that was quiet and release my emotions. She said I should scream, cry, and just let it out.
I know she is right, but I want to move on and remain busy.
When I think about what I want to do, I’m not sure it’s entirely healthy. It’s just another issue that I’m pushing down and one day, when it’s not time, I’ll explode.
This morning is hard. It’s hard to write these words and hard to roll over and find that my appendage is actually gone.
So to avoid my feelings, I waste time on my phone, scanning all the social media outlets, reading e-mails, and various news articles. I often like to read my horoscope for fun and see if it holds any value. It is rare to see anything worth re-posting, until today.
There could be the odd confrontation throughout the day not because you’re assertive, but because you feel a little over-emotional. Just don’t go too far. You will start something and at the end of it all, wish you hadn’t bothered. You won’t feel whole without your other half or a close friend, so make sure you have support around you. You may have to accommodate others’ needs as well.
Here is what I get from this.
1. It’s hauntingly coincidental.
2. I should let my room be.
3. Listen to the advice of my friend.
4. Call your support system – my family and friends.
I know that I do not always have to remain busy. I also know that if I need to take time for myself, however long that may be, I should do it.
I’ve never dealt with a loss such as this. While he was not human, he was my human with fur and four legs, he was a part of me; my appendage. I have to get used to him being somewhere else. It is hard for me to face, but his loss will take time.
It all takes time.
I want to thank everyone who has given kind words and expressed sympathy over this loss. It’s hard for me to express my feelings with actual speech. Writing has always been my emotional outlet. Please accept it and know I love you all, even if I don’t say it. Thank you, everyone.