A Sliver…

Hello my faithful followers. It’s Friday. For some of us, it is a good day. We slack off in the office. We count down the hours until it is time to leave   

Oh Friday. ….

I’m having a difficult time feeling grateful lately. 

Others are reminding me about how awesome things are going, and they are. 

However, I’m a self-sabotager. (I’m making-up this word) 

That’s right people. I sabotage my own happiness. Why? I don’t know. 

I don’t allow myself to be truly happy. I never really have. I force myself to smile, to say hello, to give a hug here and there. It’s exhausting. At the end of the day, I need lots of room and silence to put on a happy face and face the world once more. 

Even as I write this, I pause to contemplate what words I will type next. I’m tired. 

So while I do post about being grateful, finding inspiration, and finding out who you truly are, I have days where it is all out of grasp, and that’s okay. 

There is a bountiful list of things for which we should be grateful. We should seek to find who we are. We should always strive to become better. However, it’s okay to let it slip away, but not too far. 

One day, I’ll stop sabotaging myself. 

Today I will remind myself it isn’t as bad as I think and try to find a sliver of happiness because sometimes a sliver is all we have. 

Transformation 

If feelings were tangible, I would burn them. I would tie them to a chair and begin my wrath of torture. My time would be consumed with giving each feeling exactly what it deserved.

What a world we live in when our feelings torture us and we can do nothing in return. We have to suffer; to learn how to cope. If we could only learn how to transform from them instead of living with them.

Lately, my feelings have consumed me. The change I have dealt with recently is leaving me in shambles. Coping with my torturous feelings is, at times, more than I can bear. It isn’t enough to cope anymore. I must transform.

I suppose my feelings are holding me captive and I am now developing Stockholm syndrome. If you are laughing at that statement, good. If you laughed and then cried, good. Transformation is emotional.

It can leave you weak, vulnerable, and it can also leave you strong. Those three words separately are different. When they are together, they transform into something much different. Let me explain.

My feelings often leave me weak. When I am weak, I am vulnerable to my thoughts. The scariest part about my thoughts are they can lead to harm. The last thing I want is for my thoughts to overtake my logic. The beauty in transformation is the strength. When my emotions drain my energy, I don’t want to do a whole lot. I would rather suffer. I can’t. It isn’t an option. Strength finds its way and transforms my vulnerability into a sliver of confidence. It isn’t much, but it is enough. Once I become confident, I am no longer weak.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also a blessing. If we do not learn to transform from our suffering, we will lose the will to cope, and our feelings will hold us captive – forever.

Will they come back for round two? Sure, but our transformation has left us stronger and more willing to fight. Soon, our feelings will find us, but leave in the same amount of time. We will recognize them, and take control.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also beautiful. It has made you the person you are today. Perhaps you haven’t fully transformed as of yet. Many of us do not see it’s entirety until we reach an old age. But that is why we are here. To be better than the last time. May it take a lifetime to achieve what I failed to achieve in my last life, for in the next life, I will know, and I will conquer.

So transform, become great, be strong, and face your feelings. They will guide you to the person you were born to be.

Take Some Time For Gratitude

I don’t do this enough because I become too envolved with the negatives of life. It’s as if you wake and can only focus on how your neck hurts, how your bank account is empty, and how someone drank the last of the milk. There isn’t any creamer for your coffee. The neighbors are too loud. You have a million things to do and no time. Why didn’t they call back? 

It’s an all too familiar scenario and it plagues us until we are so consumed with the negative we forget to concentrate on all the good. 

I have been consumed with too much negativity. I also believe that when I go to all my social media outlets, I see negativity, and all though I pretend it doesn’t bother me, it does. I not only consume myself with my own negatitivity, I inadvertently become consumed with the negatitivity of others. It’s a double edged sword. 

I left a job where gratitude was part of the process. I even sat in a circle and heard gratitude from those who didn’t believe they deserved it. However, they paused every day and found gratitude somewhere. It was small, it was big, but it was something. 

Today, I pause at my current attitude. I pause because it is negative, and if I am not careful, it will do more than consume me; it will devour me and I will cease to exist. 

I want to take time each day and find a few or more things to remind me about gratitude. Perhaps this seems trivial to some. However, I have seen a few words of gratitude make a huge difference. So here is to finding a little more positive in a world that seems bleak. While we are consuming ourselves with negatitivity and vise versa, let’s pause and think of some gratitude. 

Here is mine for the day:

  • I have people who love me. They love me so much they are willing to take care of the things I love, like my dog. Thank you mom for taking care of Einstein. I am forever grateful for your enduring thoughtfulness. 
  • I have access to a great job, and if I am not careful, I will sabotage it before I even begin. It’s a sales job. I am not the best at sales, but that is because I over analyze, and I self-sabotage. I am my own worst enemy. However, I am fearless, motivated, dedicated , and in the words of a great friend, I am a badass. So here I am, on the verge of a new prospect. I am grateful for those who believe in me and all the wonderful things I can achieve. 
  • I am grateful for a niece who is beyond amazing. I hope I can be the person she already believes me to be. I am grateful for all the time we get to spend together. They are memories I will cherish forever.

Take some time out of your busy life to pause and be grateful. I am certain you will find more than three. Share them to everyone or share it only to yourself. Either way, be grateful and never let the negativity consume you. 

The Last Day

It’s the last day and I’m not sure how to feel

It’s the last day and I’m not sure if it’s real. 

My thoughts are jumbled; they’re a pile on the floor. 

My heart is starting to scream from the pain. It can’t take much more

It’s the last day. I’ve hugged who I could. But one more would do me some good. 

It’s the last day to a brand new start, but I can’t stop my wrenching heart. 

I’ve bottled up my feelings for so long. To have them almost feels wrong. 

I feel very lost and confused. I feel worn out and used. 

I feel excitement and hopeful. I also feel scared and doubtful

When I’m not sure if I can take anymore, life pushes me onto the floor. 

It’s the last day and there are those I should thank. 

It’s the last day and I’m on an empty tank. 

I found friends I can never replace. 

Just because it’s the last day, it won’t be the last time I see your face
To everyone who has stepped up to help me smile, thank you. To those who have enriched my life with laughter and shelter, thank you. To those who have picked me up when I was certain I would give in, thank you. To those who have taught me that I have to be strong, thank you. To those who never stopped believing in me, thank you. To those who will be there for me no matter how stubborn or foolish I am, thank you. 

I could never express these feelings out loud. I was never one for words when my emotions are too thick for me to sort. I have only ever managed a thank you and a smile. 

My words, though minimal, are always real and full of sincerity. I love all of you. You have done more for me than I could ever imagine. I only hope I can return the favor. 

Thank you. 

Where one journey end, another begins.

Here’s to the next chapter. 

If I Could Only See

I’m going through some things so my work is really depressing, but it does help me feel a little better which is all that matters. I hope your Tuesday is going well and enjoy. 

My heart won’t let me be. 

It aches, it screams, it bleeds. 

I try to mend my woes. 

I piece together, I sow. 

Happiness is fleeting. 

Life’s only meaning. 

If only I could see

My heart beat is for me. 

Deep Scratches

Just a little poem to free the soul.

 

It is chaos; this world I inhabit. 

Holes, walls, and thorns leaving scratches.

I fall. I climb. I bleed. 

I never find what I feel I need. 

I’m trapped in a storm. I can’t breathe. 

Save me from the fear creating me. 

I will never find light. 

I feel I am losing this fight. 

Scratches are deep. The wounds wont heal. 

Thorns are encasing; forming a seal.

I weep. I scream. Silence cleanses me. 

Sadness

I search for written words in my note app frequently. Ever so often, I come across a piece that has me questioning the environment of my life at that time. I ponder my sanity. I wonder how, after reading my own words, I made it through. These thoughts are answered in one simple phrase – I wrote it down. For me, my only solace are the words I use to express my anguish. For if I did not have the knowledge of a properly placed word, I would not have a means to express my emotions. I would become trapped in my mind with no hope for escape. With this, I give you a poem written in a time of deep depression. I assure you I am no longer in the web of this poem, for now. 
When the sadness seeps in,

I cower with weak skin. 

(no flames, no spark)

My bones are heavy. 

My tears break levees. 

My body sinks in this bed. 

The covers claw at my head. 

The sadness sweeps over

Like a brisk autumn breeze

It sticks like a harsh winter freeze. 

I beg it to leave. 

It ignores my screams. 

I ask for help. 

(no one is here) 

The sadness keeps people away. 

My heroes kept at bay. 

(no one touches what’s sad) 

Sadness is what makes me. 

Sadness is what breaks me
Please know that if you ever feel like I have felt before and will feel again, there are people who will help you through it. You just have to let them in. 

All drawings are scetched by my own hand.

I’m stressed and that Baconator looks delicious. 

Are you ever so stressed that you eat everything? This is me. I’m eating everything. I’ve always been a fit girl. Now I don’t care. It’s sad. Maybe I’ll get out of my funk, but for now, I’ll eat everything and dream of exercises and eating healthy. Stress sucks. It really sucks. I just wanted to share. Maybe tomorrow I’ll write something significant. 
  

The Realazation of Ourselves

I had a realization yesterday through more tears, more screaming, and more thoughts that often cloud my judgement and keep my sanity nipping for a chance to be present. It never fails me, my self-awareness. This realization came through in a symbol and a drawing that yet ceases to exist, although it will make its debut soon.
I have too much hate in my heart. I loath on things that will never be. I find it extremely hard to be genuinely happy for anyone. I try, but it is false. My tears, screams, and slipping sanity won’t let me find the happiness.
There is a teaching I firmly believe in. It is labeled as The Eightfold Path. Buddha spoke of 8 ways to free yourself from the bonds of humanity (this is how I read it). He taught others that if you can suffer through these 8 trials, you can free yourself from them and walk the path to self-enlightment. The paths are difficult. I speak of losing myself all the time. I am forever lost – trying to guide make my way through the darkness. This is life. However, the more we realize our faults, the better our chance at knowing what we should work on to better ourselves.
This is my realization. As much as I want to tell everyone to fuck off and please find the nearest bridge to jump off of, I can’t. I want to, but I can’t and I won’t. If you hurt enough to judge me, I will only wish you find peace. If you are happy with another, and it hurts me to my core, I will try to find strength in your happiness and be just as happy for you. If I see you suffering, I will do all I can to let you know you have a friend. I will try and watch my words, my thought, and my actions. It is a constant battle. Life is hard. There isn’t a single person on this earth that deserves the torment of a person who is lost. We are all lost. It doesn’t help to have someone hinder our journey. It is hard enough.
I thought of the Dharma wheel and its 8 pegs and then I thought of the snakes that try to poison our minds – corrupt our existence. What will you do to keep the poison away?

The Image was found using Bing Search Engine at this site: http://www.cnx-translation.com/images/dharma_wheel.png
The Image was found using Bing Search Engine at this site: http://www.cnx-translation.com/images/dharma_wheel.png

Finding Myself: Finding My Strength

I haven’t been here in a while. It seems it is becoming a pattern. I keep losing my way. I am unguided by my own failing light. It is only through moments of clarity that I seem to find a way to keep the torch burning. I find that clarity through moments of personal struggle. In fact, I find the clarity through many personal attributes: personal strengths, personal growth, personal resentments, personal awareness, personal revelations, and personal defaults, otherwise known as character defects. The clarity comes from within and when it shines, I am blinded with profound thoughts. They want to come pouring out at the most horrible of times, for instance – 3 am. I can’t stop the creativity, I can only nurture it.
I have faced many feelings over my personal struggles. Lately, I have felt lonely, angry, and through it all, sad. I rise to the occasion when I am needed, only showing strength, However, when the curtain falls, I shatter, only to mend myself when the second act begins. This time, however, I have lost some pieces of myself, and it is harder to mend what’s left.
So what is a girl to do? I can sit here and write all day about my inner demons and how they keep me up at ungodly hours or I can work through them. Essentially, that is what I am doing by writing. There is no greater therapy, but it may not be exactly what I need. I am not exactly sure what I need. I may find it, someday, through the fog, through the dark tunnels – just when my last ember is starting to fade. I may come across a personal growth and a way to light my torch will appear. It always does, but not before I am at a near breaking point. This too, is something that always happens. As I am learning, it happens to us all. It is how we deal with the matters before us that set us apart.
I choose to lose my sanity, have my soul shatter to a million pieces, and lose my way, time and time again. I also chose to keep moving forward. When the curtain draws, and I stand before the crowd, I will smile, and try to seek the light for my fading torch. I will fight every demon I have to break free of the personal struggles that claw at me daily. For if I do not, I will always be in darkness picking up the broken pieces, and never finding the parts that matter.