Lovers Lost: A Poem

They told me to quit

But I couldn’t

They told me to stop

But I wouldn’t

I said I’d stop

But I couldn’t

I said I’d quit

But I wouldn’t

I love your lips

The sway in your hips

I love your hair

Your skin so fair

I love your eyes

I love it all

But hearts were broken

No words were spoken

The pain too deep

For words to keep

I left in shambles

Too hard to handle

But I see you now

So happy – no frowns

I imagine your laugh

I envision your smile

Though it’s been a while

I can smell your skin

Hear the laugh again

I’ll love to the end

After I love again

I want to stop

But I can’t

I want to quit…

Holding on

I’ll love you till we’re gone

Not your average poem, but this wasn’t your average love. Love isn’t something I’m very familiar with. I fell once. Hard. I never saw it coming. I just knew and my feelings were strong. I’m not good with feelings. The process of processing scares me, so I ran.

Love isn’t a game I’m willing to play so in order to withdraw, I’ll break a heart; including my own.

Advertisements

Regret: A Poem

Hello, readers. I’ve been slacking. My goal was to write a poem everyday. So far, I’ve written five, I think. Last year I wrote four so I’ve upped the ante. But I’m not here to please you. The first line of this poem was to start an actual paragraph; a description. Instead, it started a poem. Enjoy.

I haven’t written in very long.

I’m a sad song

You listen to cry

But then forget

The promise you made

Fills a heart with regret

You listen

You yearn

You cry

You burn

Your deceit is gripping

On a love that’s slipping

Don’t fear what’s gone

Or what’s not been

Fear what’s here

For regret is a sin

A Sliver…

Hello my faithful followers. It’s Friday. For some of us, it is a good day. We slack off in the office. We count down the hours until it is time to leave   

Oh Friday. ….

I’m having a difficult time feeling grateful lately. 

Others are reminding me about how awesome things are going, and they are. 

However, I’m a self-sabotager. (I’m making-up this word) 

That’s right people. I sabotage my own happiness. Why? I don’t know. 

I don’t allow myself to be truly happy. I never really have. I force myself to smile, to say hello, to give a hug here and there. It’s exhausting. At the end of the day, I need lots of room and silence to put on a happy face and face the world once more. 

Even as I write this, I pause to contemplate what words I will type next. I’m tired. 

So while I do post about being grateful, finding inspiration, and finding out who you truly are, I have days where it is all out of grasp, and that’s okay. 

There is a bountiful list of things for which we should be grateful. We should seek to find who we are. We should always strive to become better. However, it’s okay to let it slip away, but not too far. 

One day, I’ll stop sabotaging myself. 

Today I will remind myself it isn’t as bad as I think and try to find a sliver of happiness because sometimes a sliver is all we have. 

Transformation 

If feelings were tangible, I would burn them. I would tie them to a chair and begin my wrath of torture. My time would be consumed with giving each feeling exactly what it deserved.

What a world we live in when our feelings torture us and we can do nothing in return. We have to suffer; to learn how to cope. If we could only learn how to transform from them instead of living with them.

Lately, my feelings have consumed me. The change I have dealt with recently is leaving me in shambles. Coping with my torturous feelings is, at times, more than I can bear. It isn’t enough to cope anymore. I must transform.

I suppose my feelings are holding me captive and I am now developing Stockholm syndrome. If you are laughing at that statement, good. If you laughed and then cried, good. Transformation is emotional.

It can leave you weak, vulnerable, and it can also leave you strong. Those three words separately are different. When they are together, they transform into something much different. Let me explain.

My feelings often leave me weak. When I am weak, I am vulnerable to my thoughts. The scariest part about my thoughts are they can lead to harm. The last thing I want is for my thoughts to overtake my logic. The beauty in transformation is the strength. When my emotions drain my energy, I don’t want to do a whole lot. I would rather suffer. I can’t. It isn’t an option. Strength finds its way and transforms my vulnerability into a sliver of confidence. It isn’t much, but it is enough. Once I become confident, I am no longer weak.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also a blessing. If we do not learn to transform from our suffering, we will lose the will to cope, and our feelings will hold us captive – forever.

Will they come back for round two? Sure, but our transformation has left us stronger and more willing to fight. Soon, our feelings will find us, but leave in the same amount of time. We will recognize them, and take control.

Transformation is emotional, but it is also beautiful. It has made you the person you are today. Perhaps you haven’t fully transformed as of yet. Many of us do not see it’s entirety until we reach an old age. But that is why we are here. To be better than the last time. May it take a lifetime to achieve what I failed to achieve in my last life, for in the next life, I will know, and I will conquer.

So transform, become great, be strong, and face your feelings. They will guide you to the person you were born to be.

Take Some Time For Gratitude

I don’t do this enough because I become too envolved with the negatives of life. It’s as if you wake and can only focus on how your neck hurts, how your bank account is empty, and how someone drank the last of the milk. There isn’t any creamer for your coffee. The neighbors are too loud. You have a million things to do and no time. Why didn’t they call back? 

It’s an all too familiar scenario and it plagues us until we are so consumed with the negative we forget to concentrate on all the good. 

I have been consumed with too much negativity. I also believe that when I go to all my social media outlets, I see negativity, and all though I pretend it doesn’t bother me, it does. I not only consume myself with my own negatitivity, I inadvertently become consumed with the negatitivity of others. It’s a double edged sword. 

I left a job where gratitude was part of the process. I even sat in a circle and heard gratitude from those who didn’t believe they deserved it. However, they paused every day and found gratitude somewhere. It was small, it was big, but it was something. 

Today, I pause at my current attitude. I pause because it is negative, and if I am not careful, it will do more than consume me; it will devour me and I will cease to exist. 

I want to take time each day and find a few or more things to remind me about gratitude. Perhaps this seems trivial to some. However, I have seen a few words of gratitude make a huge difference. So here is to finding a little more positive in a world that seems bleak. While we are consuming ourselves with negatitivity and vise versa, let’s pause and think of some gratitude. 

Here is mine for the day:

  • I have people who love me. They love me so much they are willing to take care of the things I love, like my dog. Thank you mom for taking care of Einstein. I am forever grateful for your enduring thoughtfulness. 
  • I have access to a great job, and if I am not careful, I will sabotage it before I even begin. It’s a sales job. I am not the best at sales, but that is because I over analyze, and I self-sabotage. I am my own worst enemy. However, I am fearless, motivated, dedicated , and in the words of a great friend, I am a badass. So here I am, on the verge of a new prospect. I am grateful for those who believe in me and all the wonderful things I can achieve. 
  • I am grateful for a niece who is beyond amazing. I hope I can be the person she already believes me to be. I am grateful for all the time we get to spend together. They are memories I will cherish forever.

Take some time out of your busy life to pause and be grateful. I am certain you will find more than three. Share them to everyone or share it only to yourself. Either way, be grateful and never let the negativity consume you. 

The Last Day

It’s the last day and I’m not sure how to feel.

It’s the last day and I’m not sure if it’s real. 

My thoughts are jumbled; they’re a pile on the floor. 

My heart is starting to scream from the pain. It can’t take much more.

It’s the last day. I’ve hugged who I could. But one more would do me some good. 

It’s the last day to a brand new start, but I can’t stop my wrenching heart. 

I’ve bottled up my feelings for so long. To have them almost feels wrong. 

I feel very lost and confused. I feel worn out and used. 

I feel excitement and hopeful. I also feel scared and doubtful.

When I’m not sure if I can take anymore, life pushes me onto the floor. 

It’s the last day and there are those I should thank. 

It’s the last day and I’m on an empty tank. 

I found friends I can never replace. 

Just because it’s the last day, it won’t be the last time I see your face.
To everyone who has stepped up to help me smile, thank you. To those who have enriched my life with laughter and shelter, thank you. To those who have picked me up when I was certain I would give in, thank you. To those who have taught me that I have to be strong, thank you. To those who never stopped believing in me, thank you. To those who will be there for me no matter how stubborn or foolish I am, thank you.

I could never express these feelings out loud. I was never one for words when my emotions are too thick for me to sort. I have only ever managed a thank you and a smile.

My words, though minimal, are always real and full of sincerity. I love all of you. You have done more for me than I could ever imagine. I only hope I can return the favor.

Thank you.

Where one journey end, another begins.

Here’s to the next chapter.

If I Could Only See

I’m going through some things so my work is really depressing, but it does help me feel a little better which is all that matters. I hope your Tuesday is going well and enjoy. 

My heart won’t let me be. 

It aches, it screams, it bleeds. 

I try to mend my woes. 

I piece together, I sow. 

Happiness is fleeting. 

Life’s only meaning. 

If only I could see

My heart beat is for me. 

Deep Scratches

Just a little poem to free the soul.

 

It is chaos; this world I inhabit. 

Holes, walls, and thorns leaving scratches.

I fall. I climb. I bleed. 

I never find what I feel I need. 

I’m trapped in a storm. I can’t breathe. 

Save me from the fear creating me. 

I will never find light. 

I feel I am losing this fight. 

Scratches are deep. The wounds wont heal. 

Thorns are encasing; forming a seal.

I weep. I scream. Silence cleanses me. 

Sadness

I search for written words in my note app frequently. Ever so often, I come across a piece that has me questioning the environment of my life at that time. I ponder my sanity. I wonder how, after reading my own words, I made it through. These thoughts are answered in one simple phrase – I wrote it down. For me, my only solace are the words I use to express my anguish. For if I did not have the knowledge of a properly placed word, I would not have a means to express my emotions. I would become trapped in my mind with no hope for escape. With this, I give you a poem written in a time of deep depression. I assure you I am no longer in the web of this poem, for now. 
When the sadness seeps in,

I cower with weak skin. 

(no flames, no spark)

My bones are heavy. 

My tears break levees. 

My body sinks in this bed. 

The covers claw at my head. 

The sadness sweeps over

Like a brisk autumn breeze

It sticks like a harsh winter freeze. 

I beg it to leave. 

It ignores my screams. 

I ask for help. 

(no one is here) 

The sadness keeps people away. 

My heroes kept at bay. 

(no one touches what’s sad) 

Sadness is what makes me. 

Sadness is what breaks me
Please know that if you ever feel like I have felt before and will feel again, there are people who will help you through it. You just have to let them in. 

All drawings are scetched by my own hand.

I’m stressed and that Baconator looks delicious. 

Are you ever so stressed that you eat everything? This is me. I’m eating everything. I’ve always been a fit girl. Now I don’t care. It’s sad. Maybe I’ll get out of my funk, but for now, I’ll eat everything and dream of exercises and eating healthy. Stress sucks. It really sucks. I just wanted to share. Maybe tomorrow I’ll write something significant.