A Little Taste 

When I have time, I write small portions of a book taking space in my head. It is in first person and it is meant to look like an authors account of true events, or rather my life story. When I put it all together, it will be about a woman who struggles to cope with mental illness in a world that constantly judges. She copes in other ways too, but that’s the voices talking.

Enjoy.

When I was young, I would question my existence. I would ponder the meaning of why. Why did we bother to do anything if we were just going to die in the end? What was the point? Why try?
I managed to press through the thoughts. I sought out other ideas, hobbies, and allowed myself to live a little.
Once in a while, the thoughts come back.

When I was younger, I wasn’t aware of the state I put myself in when questioning why I bother to live. What a sight it must have been for others to see me sad; so suddenly.

I’m better at hiding it now. I work, I form relationships, I seek some sort of happiness. It looms, the agony, the dread. But I’m better at pushing through – sometimes. Lately, it hovers longer than I’d like. Often, it clings and I can’t shake it, wash it, peel back its decaying skin. It hangs like the air on a humid day.

I become stuck. I stick to my thoughts. They control my fighting mind; the part of my mind that resists the constant question – why are you still here? Why hasn’t anyone found you in a pool of blood?

I’m not sure, but my resisting mind wants to know why these demons keep lurking around? What is their purpose? Why did they choose me?
When you think of yourself, others don’t find themselves into the equation. Depression, for me is a one way street. Ahh, but that isn’t really true because the anxiety in me only cares about others, and the looming psychopath in me wants to murder every soul I see.
Mental illness isn’t cute anymore. It never was.

I grew up in a time where it was a growing trend of weirdos who dressed in black and were always sad. They made depression somehow glamorous and soon nearly everyone I knew wore eyeliner and combed their hair over one eye. But what about the people who were trying to act normal because they fought real demons? Not ones that pretended to just so they could fight the establishment and in return draw attention to themselves because no one at home gave a shit.
I had parents who gave a shit, they just didn’t know they had to. To them, I was normal. I did normal things, had normal friends, and had a normal mind.
I actually wanted to be normal. Instead, I fought to live. My mind wanted my soul and it almost won, more than a few times. I prayed to die and hoped I wouldn’t make it past 25. In fact, I was certain I wouldn’t live past then. I was so sure, I started doing things to speed along the process. It never happened. When 25 came, I cried until I nearly went into a psychosis. I took some pills to wash away the pain, and I woke in a heavier dispair. I was with someone then. Someone who saw my crazy. They seemed to embrace it and I’ll never know and never want to know why.
At this point, I gave in. I stayed with this person and just became someone I wasn’t – normal. I thought I should so I could at least stop the voices. I had to stop the demons.
But they were still there. In fact they came on full force. I started taking meds. It was a tragic sight. I changed. The voices stopped. The demons stopped licking the gray matter, but the claws never retracted.
I started living. I went to therapy. I was normal. But we’re not really normal, are we? We just turn into zombies.

I made cakes, made friends, cooked dinner, and went to parties. I was a wife. Sometimes I was really good. Sometimes I really sucked.

The demons played sometimes. They broke the med spell and when they played, the voices were worse than before. I would cry until I lost parts of me that I’ll never see again. I broke. After I broke, I broke again and again until the meds were gone and I started to sabbatoge my existence. If I was miserable, so was everyone else. No one was safe.
My unstable life made the voices more active. I had boughs of hysteria,as the old school doctors would say, more often than boughs of sanity. I longed to be institutionalized. I joked about it. That’s what you do. You joke about how crazy you are so you can deflect your problems. People laugh with you and it reinforces the behavior until even you start to believe the lies. They are just jokes, you tell yourself. You’re not crazy.
So you live your life. Like normal people do, but your thoughts are more demented. So you hang around people who are almost the same. It makes you feel better about yourself.
They don’t know the truth. No one knows the truth. When you confide in someone, they disregard you and just say things that they think will make you feel better because in reality you’ve made them feel uncomfortable and now they don’t know how to act around you and you find your list of friends getting smaller and smaller.
Don’t worry, you have the voices.
I do. The demons are nice as well. I enjoy their powerful hold. Their tight, crippling grip of despair. In fact, I’ve grown so accustomed to their presence I’m not sure I’d know how to be without them -which actually scares me to the core.

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The Property Next Door – Scary Story-A-Day, Day 1

I have never really talked about something I truly love, and that is Halloween. One glance around this blog, and anyone might know I have a dark hole in my heart, even if it is tiny. It is filled with horror movies, dark poems, and creepypasta.

I have decided I will bless you with a story-a-day until the arrival of Halowen. Each story is completely different, but is related to the things I see everyday because inspiration has to come from somewhere.

I worked on this piece last night. it is surprising that even on my small iPad keyboard, how quickly one can type out 2,000 words. That is the rough word count of this particular story. So settle in, dim the lights, lock your doors, and become acquainted with the Property Next Door.

A little note: I am working on “showing not telling”, if you have any time, please let me know how I did. Thank you

It occurred to me the property next door was calling my name, not literally, of course, but something was pulling me toward its rotting side paneling, it’s grimy windows, and the front door swinging on only two hinges. The hedges were overgrown. The untamed branches scraped the siding and helped devour the decrepit house. The grass entangled with the thick weeds. They seem to dance across the yard. Each lady beckoning me to join in their seductive tango. I sat on my porch everyday staring at the rusted, sagging tin roof that sat lifelessly on drooping metal siding. Ivy climbed up, around, and inside the house. The earth was consuming the tin shack and it wanted me to join the party.

I was certain I would only ever watch nature devour the house, as I sat from the safety of my porch, rocking in my chair, but the need to walk into the depths of the tangled grass and weeds, to walk inside the tin house that may fall to its death if I push open the swinging door, was strong; stronger than the will I had to stop myself.

I stepped off my porch, onto my freshly cut lawn, out onto the gravel road that led to the highway. My feet dragged behind me as if my mind were trying to stop me, but my heart, or perhaps it was my ignorance overriding my logic, pulled me forward, and I ignored my slow, crawling pace.

I reached the enchanted dance, and I was sure the weeds and grass separated their romantic entanglement to let me pass with ease. As if they were waiting; waiting to soak up my remains like the remains of a rotting corpse. They flowed back and forth, tickling my skin with each pass. I was in a daze. My feet became a little lighter with each delicate touch.

I paused to take in the tin shack. Each window caked with grey grime so thick, peering inside was out of the question. It was something I wanted to do because a sliver of logic bled into my brain after turning to see the weeds and grass had returned to their dance. This time, the dance was more sinister, and my heart jumped as their touches become more aggressive, as if they were now forcing me to open the door and go inside.

A weed snapped its filthy tip across my cheek and my head whipped violently to my front. My eyes becoming locked on the door swinging from the bottom two hinges. It was open further than before. A blade of grass whipped my calves almost putting me to my knees. I turned my head to look behind me and I saw a wall of tangled grass and weeds so thick a chainsaw would see difficulty getting through. The wall grew quickly behind me, growing thicker and taller, becoming more violent. It pushed me onto the front porch, my feet stumbling on the swooping, rotting wooden steps. I fell to my knees not being able to regain my balance after the wooden step seemed to trip me. I hit my head on the swinging door. My vision blurred and a knot grew on my head. I struggled to get to my feet, gaining splinters from the unmanaged porch. My hand flinched with each piece of entering wood through my skin. I found my way to the door handle, not needing to open the door; the door opened slowly, inviting me in, saving me from the dangers of the outdoors.

The daylight leaked in from the opening between the sagging siding and the oddly shaped roof. The sun’s rays lit the floor which wasn’t a floor at all but a placement of dirt. I was inside a house made of tin sides, a tin roof, and a dirt floor. My mind raced as to who would live inside a metal box without a floor. The tin house contained a small kitchen without any appliances save for a hot plate. Roaches scurried across the counter. A mouse hid inside a rusting can. In another corner rested a cot. The tattered blanket swept over the sides with a brown pillow that was once white. A 5 gallon bucket sat in another corner. It was once a green bucket. You could see the original bucket’s color along the bottom edges, sinking into the dirt. The rest of the bucket was covered in filth, feces, and a thicket of flies, roaches, and maggots. The more I stared, the more bile began to crawl up my throat. I quickly turned away and started for the door. I didn’t care what I thought the weeds looked like outside, I was removing myself from this property. Logic had filled my brain, drowning out the desire of my heart to stay and explore. I raced toward the door which was actually only a few feet away being as the tin shack was only ten or twelve feet wide.

I reached and what was once a door hanging on two hinges was a door fully hinged, bolted to the wall. I placed my hands on the knob and shook violently, screaming for the house to let me out. Stoping myself from becoming too hysterical, my fully logical brain remembered the sagging siding and knew I could climb on a counter and slip my body out of a wall.

I ran to the roach infested counter. I placed my hand on the wood to brace myself for the climb, and roaches fled in all directions. I tried to remain calm as a few found their way onto my skin. I stepped onto the counter top and grabbed the broken siding. I pulled down as hard as I could, but my foot slipped from the moldy, feces covered counter, and I fell to the dirt floor. When I regained my bearings, the oddly placed roof had swiveled into its proper place, aligning with the siding, locking all the possessions and inhabitants inside. The windows were now black and locked. The sun was blocked, now only bouncing off the tin roof, giving more life to the ivy that encased the metal.

My heart skipped, my stomach churned, my head ached. I was in a near panic; willing to tunnel my way out. I became angry at myself for becoming entranced by the rotting piece of junk on the property next door. I screamed and the house shook with what felt like laughter. The sink rattled, the cot scraped across the dirt, and the filth filled bucket, bubbled. Each pop oozed on the floor creating mud, and growing a stench foul enough to make the roaches flee.

Looking all around, feeling my heart pound through my chest, I saw the roof shift to make room for something sinister. The ivy began to tear its way inside the oddly shaped roof. It crawled down the metal walls, and seemed to thrive as it reached the dirt and make its way to my ankles at a faster pace. My breath left my body as I yearned to scream. I clawed my way to the only exit and the ivy wrapped itself around my legs leaving me with only the use of my arms. If only I could unbolt the door before the ivy trapped me forever. My nails dug into the door frantically. Each scrape broke a nail making some of them bleed. I screamed in agony, but mostly from fear. I was going to die in this house, encased by the same ivy that I watched take over the house from the comfort of my porch.

The same logic that failed me earlier in this tragic day, reminded me of a knife I kept in my pocket. The ivy circled its way around my waist closing up all entry into my pockets. I took my blood soaked hand and struggled to fit my hand between the dough exterior of my jeans and the sticky coarse skin of the treacherous ivy. Although I disagree, at the moment, luck would have my hand finding my only salvation. My blood soaked nail beds made a lubricant. The ivy had found its way around my trapped arm. I kept my free arm above my head, but the ivy grew faster. I grasped my knife and wedged it out of my pocket. I tossed it onto the dirt. I shifted as best as I could so my nearly free arm could reach the knife. My fingers scraped the dirt, barely managing to wrap my bloody hand around the grip. Once I had my fingers firmly planted, I screamed with my last big breath of air. The ivy had reached its way around my throat, circling up my chin. The ivy had wrapped itself around my upper arm, leaving only my lower arm free. What was left of any movement I could muster, I aimed at stabbing the ivy. The knife made its way to the thick, green ivy around my upper arm. Each thrust was devastating. Blood was everywhere. But it wasn’t the ivy that bled. Sensing danger, the ivy shrank in size with every pending stab. I never had a chance. The ivy made its way around my face, locking its grip around my eyes.

I was trapped. I lost all hope. I let the ivy wrap me into a cocoon. My bloody arm unlocked its grip around what I once thought was my savior. You could hear the metal house shifting. The dirt floor parted like the Red Sea. The oddly shaped roof once again became oddly placed. The sagging siding let the sun highlight its certain spots. The door became slightly unhinged and completely unbolted. The roaches and mouse took their assigned places, and the weeds and grass stopped arguing and began their romantic, persuasive dance; making itself reading for its next victim who stares curiously at the property next door.



The Woods

Living in the woods had its perks. It also had its drawbacks. 

The thunder came with the roll of the dark clouds, soon the lightning flashed and lit a black sky.

He just had to go outside. He begged at the door and I waited until he nearly wet all over the floor. I did not want to go out there. The flashes of light brought shadows I was sure were not trees. The growing fog made the shadows move. 

After careful consideration in the black of night, he found the perfect place to do his business. I waited impatiently; staring into the darkness, just as a flash of lightning tainted the sky for a mere second. 

He growled. It was deep and unsettling. I looked into his direction, but saw only black. Then he barked. The sudden, bellowing noise startled my senses. He squirmed, fought, and found his way out of his collar, darting to the house. I stood frozen, peering into the darkness. I could hear him howling as he scraped his paws at the door begging for someone to let him in, but that someone was being sucked into the woods by a thick fog with each bright flash of light. 

The branches curled and twitched. The soil rose and entrapped itself between my toes, up my ankle, and around my calves. The fog wrapped itself around my bones like a fresh quilt. The lightning flashed a brilliant glow and the thunder made itself known with a deafening clash. The howl of the dog grew silent. For a moment, I was sure he had given up on his savior opening the door. It was then I realized the silence was distance. 

I was further into the woods than I ever cared to go. Now the soil was around my neck and the soft blanket of fog was dripping into my throat. The soil tightened its grip and the fog was a drink I couldn’t get down. I choked and gasped. The branches twitched with delight as the lightning heckled across the sky. The thunder laughed. The woods knew, the earth giggled, and I realized it was feeding time. I sank into the ground with one last thought…living in the woods had its perks.

I Keep Clawing

Here is a little something for your Friday. I want you to try and figure out where this person is. Do not try to think of a place that is sci-fi. Think of a place you carry with you at all times. 

Enjoy. 



I keep clawing. The sticky substance clogs the underside of my fingernails. It’s dark and there’s a strange smell I cannot identify. I close my eyes to keep out the stink and the strange substance. My feet hit something strange and it feels as though I cannot move. I struggle to kick myself free. I hit something hard and the entire place jerks. The substance wiggles and the smell intensifies. I reach out my hands in hopes of feeling for anything to grasp. I keep clawing. The room or this place, I am still not sure, is getting darker. I seem to be sinking. I fear I will never break free. I keep clawing. The smell is now more potent than before. The taste suctions itself to my tongue; my body. I hit a wall. It rattles me. I can feel the place shake. I then feel the place move. I feel myself being thrown. I reach for the wall and it is no longer within my reach. I sink further into this place. The substance wraps itself around me and the stink sets in. I keep clawing. 

A Taste

My mind flutters with thousands of ideas for books. In order to hold myself accountable, I am taking time to organize my ideas and try to set goals. If you have followed me over the years, you can attest that I have horrible follow through. I am working on this aspect of my life.

One of my book ideas – is still a secret, but I would like to share with you a piece I wrote not long ago while I was, (and continue), to finish this masterpiece.

Enjoy and if you feel the need, place a comment below. I look forward to your feedback.

 

I can’t piece together all the things that have happened to me in a single setting. However, I remember them all. It’s a sort of jumble. But that wouldn’t be the correct description. It would be a dark room. It’s cold, slightly damp – just as most scary places are described. But that wouldn’t be right either. It’s darker, hot, and my skin is cold from the sweat. My nerves on fire. I’m blinded. I strain to focus. My hands search for something familiar. Perhaps I can find a wall, a door – anything. I can’t. My feet keep moving forward and I lose my balance. I lose everything. I fall into a hole, though I am not sure. My senses are out of control. They are on high alert, but sounding off all at once – like a machine losing control.

I fall. It seems I will fall forever. I hope to be scratched by a limb, a pipe – anything, just so I know where I am. The speed increases, and I spin into the darkness. I am never in control. I am only given the illusion of control.

I cry. I try to scream, but the speed of falling reached into my lungs and snatched the air. I grab my arms. My nails dig into my skin and I hope for pain. I dig deeper and feel nothing. I can only feel the cool blood drip down my fingers. It’s relaxing in its own demonic way. The fall, the confusion, seem to fade; it seems to become a second worry, as if it isn’t really happening. It’s the focus on the blood and the wonder if I can produce more. The need becomes strong. I am determined to produce more blood, something to make the fall disappear.

Nothing more produces. My will is discouraged by my need for survival. I see a pin drop of light. My speed decreases. My senses are more under control. The tears dry. My mind quiets. The light returns. I fall with a soft thud and I can feel the ground. But it isn’t the ground. It is the cold tile floor in my bathroom. My tears have soaked my skin; it lays around my feet. I search for blood. There’s none to be found. I notice I am grabbing my wrist – not a scratch.

I take a walk. My emotions, my mind, my memories, are now my own, until the next time.

The Relief

It was subtle. The thunder echoing in the distance. The clouds gathering at a snail’s pace, their color changing as they merged. The wind rustled the tall trees and danced with their leaves. Nature was singing its normal tune, at its normal time. The heat grew over the course of the day. The humidity remained thick. Often, a walk outside was a daunting task, like pulling back heavy, velvet curtains, in an abandoned theater, without assistance from pulleys and ropes. The air stuck to your skin like shrink wrap. The increasing speed of the wind was a relief. The thunder made its presence by growing in anger; adding lightening to show its seriousness. The clouds changed hues – a light grey to a deep black. The rain was impending. Natures relief. As a human swallows all its pain from the day. Its anger growing and growing until its only release is a fountain of tears. It was the heat. It drove them mad. A day spent outside, with a back to the smelting sun. It melted the skin, the humidity clogged the pores, until breathing became a chore. Water wouldn’t help. It only slowed the process of melting into the earth. The insanity of it all boiled the blood. Humanity felt the wrath of the day. The thought of the storm was the only solace, the only release. The lightening flickered and crashed. The thunder screamed. The wind howled. The trees bent, no longer rustling. The leaves were no longer dancing. They struggled to survive. The heat lost its effect. It was slowly losing the war. It deminished behind the clouds, behind the darkness. The humidity slithered away, awaiting its return. No longer was the storm a subtle sign of relief. It was an answer to a forgotten prayer.

The Darkness

A short story about losing your mind. 

The dreams are strange. The confusion upon waking grows. It festers, boils, and locks on to what may be reality. Were they dreams? Was it what is perceived as real? My mind can barely tell the difference. 

When I woke in the morning, my body pulsed from the heat brewing inside me. I paused before I plummeted down the steps. Visions oozed through my mind. They slowly began to erase what my eyes saw around me. The trees merged into the buildings. The cars melted into the asphalt. The birds vanished into the clouds. I held onto the railing as I slowly made my way down the stairs, out of my apartment. I shut my eyes tight, hoping it would all go away. The sun broke my concentration. When I opened my eyes, the world was melting. I gripped the railing tighter. My body temperature rose and my pulsing skin began to keep pace with my  quickening heartbeat. I sat on the steps, refusing to ungrip the rail. The world was melting into my dreams. 

I envisioned the melting buildings and trees merging into monsters. The birds were popping when they touched a cloud. Their blood soaked remains covering the ground below them. The cars sank into the asphalt that began to boil. I screamed. The screams were not enough to drown the sounds inside my head. Strange voices began to emerge, calling my name slowly. They grew louder and began to increase the pace. I screamed until my voice cracked. I covered my ears. I shut my eyes. I rocked back and forth. I broke and started to cry. The tears were hot and I could feel them burning my skin. I tried to stop crying, but I couldn’t. I scratched at my face until it bled. My nail beds were covered in flesh. 

The world was melting and starting to fade. The darkness oozed over the monsters. It flowed over the clouds. The birds fell to the ground, but now walking away unharmed. The darkness crept over asphalt, cooling it’s boiling core. The cars froze from the cooling ground. My screams were stolen from my lungs. The darkness reached inside and took all the air. Black surrounded my corneas. It pushed me into the steps. I laid in an uncomfortable position, frozen; the world consuming me. 

Large amounts of time passes. I hear beeping, but it feels far away. The air is cold and it smells of bleached urine. I try to open my eyes, but they are heavy. I try to move my body, but it’s weighted down, constricted. If only my eyes would open so I could see. A light flashes and it blinds me. I hold my eyes shut. The beeping is louder. The smell of urine is stronger. A shadow crosses over me. I slowly open my eyes. She wears white and stands over me. I look down at my arms to see I am confined, strapped to a bed. She takes a syringe from her pocket and injects the line coming from my arm. I try to fight, I can’t. Sleep drapes it’s blanket over me, the darkness returns. 

The Fall

Do you ever look back on the week and think, what the fuck? I am doing that right now. Actually, I have been doing it since Monday. By now, everyone knows the story and all its gory details, except for my group of followers. (I like sounding like I’m the leader of a cult) – Anywho, I had one of those weeks where you end a night by falling down the stairs, and instead of just falling, you make sure there is glass involved because what is a stair fall without glass? I mean really? If you are going to bounce your ass on steps, wooden ones, I might add, make sure you bounce off each one really hard and that pieces of glass embed itself into your ass and legs while you are falling. That’s really the best way to fall down fifteen steps.  So while I have been contemplating the “why did this happen to me” aspect of my life, I have been thinking of a story. It isn’t the best story, but it is something I came up with less than an hour ago, and I woke up a little before that – on a Saturday, so there.

 

I give you the dramatic, partially made-up version of what happened on Monday. As you know, I rarely ever finish a story and always leave with some cliff-hanger and a million question, and this story isn’t any different.

 

She was tired from the day. The hours pulled at her, begging for her to stay just another minute. The exhaustion was nearly unbearable as the clock ticked closer to 7:30; a half hour past an already 12 hour shift. She bid farewell to her master to turn herself in for the night. Gathering her things; a few dishes, and her writing materials, she made her way toward the stairs. Thinking of her warm bed and her longing for sleep, her eyes tried to focus on the steps before her. Suddenly, the air seemed thin and a cold rush surrounded her. Trying to ignore the recent shift, she took her first step and the gush of air seemed to encase her. She lost her balance. The glass broke free from her grip and shattered all around her. She tumbled down each wooden step, landing harder with each bounce. Her body flowed with adrenaline. After landing at the bottom of the stair case, she remained frozen. The cold air lifted, followed by the familiar warmth of the home. The glass shifted round her. It seemed to threaten her if she moved. Hearing the commotion, her master called for her. She looked around, processing each step and the sounds of breaking glass. She looked down and noticed the blood pooling. She took a deep breath and cried. They were not tears of pain, but tears of anger and fear.
“What happened?” asked her master.
She glanced around her once more and tried desperately to gain her composure, knowing what she was about to say would sound ludicrous.
“I was pushed.”
Her master now stood over her. By the maids surprise, the master’s face was not of shock or disbelief. He simply looked around, looked at the blood, and carefully picked the maid off the floor. “Let’s get you to the doctor.”

Happy Saturday, folks!

 

Attack Of The Six-Legged Beasts!

So in the spirit of writing in a journal and making a small entry into a story, I give you a recent incident. Also, if I am ever kidnapped and perhaps you or another are curious on a good way to torture me for information, use ants. The non lethal kind will do. You know, just in case you were wondering. It is good to know these things. I’m not sure why, though.

Anywho….

The cave reeked of bile. The stench flooded my airways and my eyes began to water. Turning back seemed a lucrative idea. The thought as tempting as cake on a diet. But no one could think of cake when the rotten smell of death was clinging to the air. I made my way into the depths of the ever expanding cave. The darkness consumed ever crevasse. I reached into a pocket to retrieve the MAG light. It formulated enough wattage to bring light to a small village. A bit overkill for the current situation, but this job was unlike any other. My duties sworn with The Resistance and its obligations was to rid the country of putrid ant scum. They came in droves, colonizing in secret, gaining access to areas deemed uninhabitable to many humans. They bred by the hundreds and in months their takeover began. They populated every city and forced civilization to its knees. After a few weeks, the ants were flooding the world. They soon gained access and control over humans and made their way to small islands, building even larger colonies. Humans withered away and only a few survived. Years followed and although many thought the ants enslaved us all, they were never smart enough to capture every living soul. This is where I come in. The ants carried dead human carcasses into caves and fed. The smell are the decomposing bodies. I ready my blaster specially made to kill an ant instantly. Each loaded container was to hold enough ammonia to knock out a few elephants. With the size of these ants increasing in size by the hour, these canisters held enough ammonia to kill a dinosaur or two. I inched closer to the colony. In the distance I heard movement. My heat source detector flashed, but the readout was inconclusive. I readied my weapon. I carefully placed my feet on the surface of the floor, now covered in blood and bile. The smell of rotting flesh never appealed to me, but I suppose it isn’t something you get used to. My sensor flashed again revealing a sort of straight line. I assumed it must be an ant tentacle. I neared a curve in the layout of the cave. I stood my ground. The tentacle reached for the wall. I held my blaster at the ready and braced my feet to withstand the recoil. My sensor flashed and just as I started squeezing the trigger, “Please, don’t shoot. Please, save me.”

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