An Ugly Game

It’s cold. An unbearable chill. Ceasing my existence. I can’t breath. I feel my muscles clenching, trying to create warmth; failing. Water flows from my eyeballs, freezing on my cheeks upon impact. It isn’t me who is crying about my situation, it’s my body. My emotions are frozen. Locked into my soul which is escaping; the only thing smart and brave enough to set itself free. Minutes pass like hours as the sun sets and the black clouds crawl across the sky. The wind increases. The Earth falls silent. The last tear falls, reaching the corners of my mouth. A fighter, unlike myself. I am cold until nature warms the soil. By then, it will be too late.

It seems amazing how one sentence can form into a group or a even a thousand groups of words. One sentence can nag at me for hours until I set it free, or I don’t. When I do not, the guilt sets in and I tell myself I could be writing with all my free time. Instead, I look at my phone for hours; submitting my self to the lazy side of life. It’s easy. Easier than trying, than working, than giving myself a chance.

I fall victim, but I am not a victim. I am the criminal. I am the one who sabotages. I hold myself for ransom. The price is high, nothing I can afford, so I torture myself to compensate for not getting what I want.

It’s an ugly game. I play it everyday.

It’s a habit now. Nothing changes when we secretly want it to stay the same.

I’m trying my hardest to break my habit. I remind myself of what I could be doing. I am trying to change the way I think. It isn’t easy. I suppose it never is.

I am good, in my own way. I have had my share of praises and failures. I am okay with this. I try to remember all the positives. Oddly, it’s the positives that scare me. I am stricken with the “what ifs” of success.

When I stop, I ask myself why. What stops me from being driven? The answer is simple and yet complex. Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer, and if I did, I would stop myself from answering.

I write this week about anxiety, failure, success, and the drive to get everything I want, if only I would let myself grow.

Anxiety is what keeps me cold, frozen in my own cycle of self-destruction. I am my own criminal in storm created by my own self-doubt, my own anxiety.

I thought of the first sentence today because I was, in fact, cold. It led me to my own self-realization. A story that transformed.

My only way out is to write. An ironic twist in my own hands of fate.


Anxiety – My Ultimate Demise

It happens every time. I cry, I feel something, and I write. It’s just that I am so fucking stressed. I am not coping well and I really do not know what to do. So here I am, contemplating all that I am. My finances, my job, my assists, my life. I am not alone. I know this. There are some who are much less fortunate than me. I have a place to stay. I have people that care. I have a job. It’s one of the most unstable jobs I’ve ever had next to dancing on a pole, but I do have a job.

It’s what’s next that I can’t stand. I hate it because I have no idea what “it” is.

I ponder. I probably ponder too much. Overthinking will be my demise. It’s why I can’t finish projects. It stands in the way of my success and welcomes failure with open arms. “Hello OverActive Brain. What shall we burn today?”

There is something I need to do and I stop myself from doing it because it exposes too much – an oozing open wound I am ferociously trying to heal. It is a project, an idea inspired by a new friend and idle talk. It needs to grow, but it also need to flourish. My brain will not let it. After all the inspiration leaves, I’ll be left with pondering of what could have been.

If you were ever curious about what anxiety must be like, this is it. Read this. Read between the lines. Open yourself to interpretation. Anxiety hinders my every being. I often can overcome, but anxiety will never let me succeed. It will let me settle. I’ll write metaphorically about my life and what it could have been. It will never subside to let out who I really am. I will forever be trapped by the constraints of my mind. Tortured by my own grief.

If this is how it is supposed to be, perhaps I can just give in and learn how to cope.

Perhaps one of my loyal readers has some advice.

It Sucks

It’s been a while. In fact, any piece you have read lately is just a repost. I haven’t had the drive . It sucks. Many of us go through a dry spell, but mine has lasted over a year. It sucks. I have spells of wisdom ever so often. My mind creates a great idea and I run with it for about a week, then I stop. It sucks. What can I possibly accomplish. I am my friend’s quilts. Start one, put it down, never come back. I’m a closet full of quilts. Except for me, it’s a warehouse. I need a forklift and that’s not pretty.

Writing can often seem like a chore. Something I am forced to do. However, no one is forcing me to do anything. Except myself and I hate listening to that nag. Bla, bla, bla. That’s all I hear. She’s annoying. But I need her to tell me what to do. If she would actually shut up, I’d lose all ambition. I’d be gone.

I talked to my ex-husband today. The conversation gave me closure. We talked about who I am, who he knew I was(am), and how he hoped I was happy because I deserved it. He deserves it too. It made me think about how I may have used him as an excuse to not write something that has been plaguing me. I did. Now, I wont. I can write that story. I will write that story. It’s about who I am; who I have always been.

It sucks, but it’s an amazing journey. To write about it will help me more than I may be prepared for and it will help others in the same way.

I’m so glad I talked to him. I am so thankful for my friends who give never ending support. They are the ones who give me the strength.

I can’t say it here. Not everyone I love knows.

You’re smart. You get it. Keep it to yourself. When the time is right, the world will know. They will say, “you know what? Good for her”, or “you owe me money.” Some will not be happy; the ones who say they love me. They will never understand. It will never be okay. That is their demon to struggle with and mine to let go when they know the truth. I don’t want this demon anymore. It has nearly killed me. It has affected me in every aspect of my life. It has always kept me running, searching, lying, and never living my truth. It has kept me in denial. It sucks.

I don’t want it to suck anymore – literally and figuratively.

That's my demon. He keeps me silent and bound. One day, I'll break free.


Assumptions – Extended

I wrote this piece over ten years ago. After an incident at work, I was fumed. I came home, opened the computer, and typed away furiously. Recent events regarding women opening up to media outlets over sexual misconduct, made me write my own piece about being silenced, but also about this bit I wrote about men who assume.

Every word in this piece is relatable, but as I re-read the rant, I thought about the man I portrayed. He is a wanna-be. He is a product of his environment. It is nearly every man I have ever met. They were all the same – young and dumb, always trying to be something they weren’t. What I knew then was, it must be only these types that insult women on a daily basis. It isn’t true. As I have grown older and now with more women coming forward, my perception of the man I portray is also the man I thought would never do such horrible things – leaders, movie stars, politicians (who I always thought were sleazy) – role models. I am wrong. I’ve been wrong before.

It is a man who wears a suit, casual dress, a man who makes any amount of money, who lives with his parents, or who is married, single – it doesn’t matter. This piece is directed at any man who thinks he has a right to talk to women however he pleases.

Another part in this piece is how the woman reacts. When I wrote this, I wrote what I would like to do. In reality, I wouldn’t do either but listen, possibly laugh uncomfortably, or become so annoyed that I just walked away hoping to avoid any of what is portrayed in this piece.

In conclusion, this piece is about how women, everyday, are harassed. We are mocked, shamed, and we are often made to feel as if we can do nothing. When I wrote this piece I wanted to make myself feel empowered. I wanted any woman that read it to feel empowered. So I felt the need to shame the man as he would, and in this piece does, shame us.

The world needs to know. They need to feel uplifted. We can not let men make us feel bad any longer. I do not want to go through any scenario where a man makes me feel like shit because I said or want to say no. I never, again, want to feel like I have to say yes.

(ASSUMPTIONS: Written in 2005 and edited)

This story is for any woman who has ever met a man who assumed he could have his way. As far as I am concerned, this is for any woman breathing.

It is very hard to write about all the presumption’s men make. I really want to narrow it down. So I thought about the most common.

First, is sex.

Second, is what we were put on this earth to do, (cook, clean, give birth – basically stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen).

Third, is assuming that we are helpless creatures, (god forbid I have a complete thought).

If I think of anymore, I will write another piece.

My version of a man that assumes he can have his way.

Bob is the kind of person who thinks he is God’s gift to women. You know the type. He walks up to you in broad daylight, while you are busy doing something. It could be anything. Walking your dog, eating lunch, shopping, getting gas, who cares. Well guess what, he doesn‘t care either.

Bob’s attire consists of baggy clothes, tilted hat, and a very gaudy, fake, chain, possibly gold. He has some peach fuzz on his face. Don’t tell him that, he believes it is full-grown goatee. He probably cannot walk very well because his pants are hanging just above his kneecap. If you are not careful, you will get a glimpse of the spider-man boxers his mommy gave him for Christmas. Also, try not to fall for his pimped out 96′ Ford Taurus, with the large speakers in the back. He will have them so loud, that you might be surprised that his ears are not bleeding. Be aware also of his custom spray paint job. Notice I did say spray paint. He thinks it’s a custom job. Therefore, this is Bob. I wanted to give you a clear picture of Bob. Let you know what you are up against.

So, here you are doing whatever and here he comes. Remember, he cannot walk, be aware of your surroundings and quickly move anything he cold trip on out of the way. You do not want him landing on you.

So, say you are eating. Of course, there are always two chairs at a table. Bob assumes that since you are alone, that chair is for him. So, he sits and as you almost choke on your sandwich, he says “What’s up baby.” as he nods his head upward. He thinks he’s a gangster. Depending on who you are and your attitude towards men you either attempt one of the following.

A. Push the chair out from under him and ask him what the fuck he thinks he is doing.

B. Tell ’Bob’ politely that if he does not remove himself from the chair, that you will mace his eyeballs until they melt.

C. Listen to him while he talks, this could be funny.

For conversation purpose, lets choose C.

“I said what’s up baby. You need a glass of water or something. I think you’re choking a little.”

After a few coughs and drying of your watery eyes, you say, “No thanks, I’m all right.”

“You sure, I could get you some water, it’s free.”

Bob is the type of guy who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He will eventually, but only after you yell at him. He has selective hearing.

“No thanks, I’ll be all right.”

You say that while staring at him with very cold eyes, and a hateful smirk. He will get the hint. Do not get confused though, he still assumes you want him, just not the water. We have to take things one at a time for Bob because he has a simple mind. So, you say to him, “What do you want?.”

“Well, I saw you sitting here and I thought ‘what is such a pretty thing doing eating all alone’? That’s not right. Someone like you should have a man beside her.”

You nearly choke again.

“Really? Why do you assume that I don’t have a man? Or that I even need a man. Maybe I am on a lunch break. Maybe my man is meeting up with me.” He rolls his eyes and isn’t really listening.

“If I were your man, I would never leave your side. You’re way to fine.”

Right now, you should assume that Bob has some trust issues and maybe some stalker tendencies. Do not ever think that this assumption is wrong.

“Plus babe, I would never let you work. You’re too fine for that too.”

Here is where a red flag should always come up. Bob doesn’t look like a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or anybody in the hundred thousand a year and above range. Remember when he asked you if you wanted free water. Bob is broke. Bob is a ten grand a year guy. If he is pulling a hundred a year, he probably sells drugs, or stolen items. You don’t want that type of guy anyway. Not that you are looking, but please stray away from the prison hopefuls of tomorrow.

“What if I want a job? Are you going to keep me inside forever?”

“No way babe. You don’t have to stay inside forever. I got to take you out and show you off. You’re super fine. Also, fine girls don’t have jobs. You know what I mean?”

Here Bob assumes that only women that don’t appeal to him can work. He also assumes that you are some kind of trophy. Let us also not forget that Bob keeps calling you babe. He doesn’t even have the decency to ask you your name. He apparently thinks it is okay, that you don’t mind being called whatever Bob deems necessary.

Knowing Bob is a worthless bum, with some severe trust and abandonment issues, you decide to end the conversation. Which we should assume has gone on for too long. So, speaking as slowly and clearly as possible, you say, “Listen, I’m sure you mean well by keeping me locked up. Fortunately, I like to roam free. You know what I mean?”

Bob is now confused. Don’t worry though he is used to being told no.

“I’m going to have to pass. See you later.”

As you say this, look at Bob firmly and do not move. It is like starring down an animal for food. He will eventually know how serious you are and walk away.

Do not assume Bob will leave quietly. His self esteem is very fragile. He will need to redeem it by calling you something derogatory. Watch out for words like bitch, whore, and slut. You get the picture. Do not let this get to you. Remember, Bob has to drive his beat up 96’ Ford, with his awesome spray paint job, back home to his mommy’s house. She probably has dinner ready.

Oh how my perception has changed. However, as I read this over and over, I cant help but think of all the truths no matter what the walk of life.

We have a man who talks to women however he wants. We have an everyday situation. We have a man who has never learned how to respect women.

I have met a lot of men in my life. All of them different. Not all of them treat women in such a disrespectful manner. In fact, I have met some very wonderful men. It is these men, who would never call us names and who make us feel equal, who make us feel like we have a voice, they’re the ones who should lead the way for other men to look up to. If you are that man, and you are reading this, reach out to a lost soul and show them the way.

Thank you for reading. I have so much to say on this topic – thousands of unorganized thoughts. I feel this small piece doesn’t do justice to the injustice I have endured and seen.



It’s possible that the above title looks familiar. Perhaps it is something you have read this morning. You should know, I am part of a movement, and I too, will not be silenced. 

Written after reading the article in Time Magazine:

I read Time’s article this morning and became very proud of all the women who took the step forward to incite change. 

A movement I’ve been recalling in my head fo a very long time. We’ve been silenced enough. 

But through these trying months, it brings about all the times I’ve ever been sexually harassed and assaulted. It’s been openening a scab on the verge of healing. Or perhaps, it wasn’t that I was healed, it’s that I was numb. 

At work, a coworker, who’s thoughts should remain just that, produced into the vile protruding from his mouth. But not in a room where no one could hear, but in a room full of witnesses. After he felt he was done, after he laughed, after he walked away feeling a sense of accomplishment, and through what I felt was a sense of pride, I was left feeling disgusted and silenced. I didn’t know what to say and what I wanted to say would provoke more attention than I had desired. 

One coworker, a witness, a man, apologized for what he saw, saying I should never have to put up with that. Well, he’s right. I said, but I do because I’ve “put up with it” my entire life. At the risk of sounding conceited, I apologized, but felt the need to defend my words. So I said them in a stronger tone. I remembered the women taking steps forward so I didn’t have to take a step back. I do put up with it at the risk of losing it all, but I shouldn’t have to. I should be able to go to work and not have to deal with the likes of men who can’t find the decency to respect a woman. 

I remind myself of others. For it is through this movement, that women like myself can feel empowered to do what is right. 

“We can do it!”, rings in my ears. It means more than doing a job a man can do and even doing it better than a man, but that we too can have a voice, a box to speak, a mountain from which to yell, and a moon from which to scream – ME TOO!, and I (we) will no longer be silenced, shamed, ridiculed, or made to feel numb. We will no longer “put up with it”. 

I too will share and hope that my words, my inspiration will do more than spark a fire. I (we) hope it will fuel a raging inferno that burns until all the women find their voice. 

So yes, men, perhaps you should feel scared. Perhaps you should wonder about your actions, your words, your thoughts. Because as a woman, all that cocnsumes me are my thoughts, actions, words, and how they will make you react, and how I use less of them to draw away attention. The tables have turned and you should be afraid that I will never be silent again. 



I enter this realm once again. Not for you, but for myself. For my sanity. I have neglected what I love, what I am, and what I long to be.

Much has happened during my sabbatical and I hope to return with only one word in mind: change. It is what I have done and it is what I hope to continue to do.

I wrote something today that I would like to share. I hope you enjoy. If you relate, I hope we can teach each other ways to cope because I am so often lost.

Thank you for reading.

I felt really ambitious today – as if I were going to conquer the world. Then it happened, a series of events that would lead to my suffering and ruin my conquest. I wish it weren’t so, but as I type these words, tears flow because I feel defeated and mentally exhausted. The sad part is not the defeat, but the uncertainty of how to cope with the past, present, and future.

The anxiety seeps inside and covers every crevice until it fills every empty space. It takes control. I don’t fight, I flee. I shut down and run. You can’t speak to me, I can’t breath, and my brain beats my skull in pain. For a short while, I am non-existent. I am lost in my own spinning thoughts. My eyes are frozen. My energy is expelled. I feel insane. In those moments, I would stand by and let you commit me to a mental institution. For in those moments, when I am frozen, I feel as though I am lost forever.

It’s brief, but it feels like eternity, and all this for only one brief explanation: too much stimulation.

I can’t process it all. I need time to move from one step to the next. I’ve had a few days in a row of noise – constant stimulation. I didn’t give myself enough time to breath. Because of this, I panicked, in a way. It was quick, but the results last for hours. I still can’t talk and I even forced myself to write.

What I can only hope will be a relief is uninterrupted sleep.

These attacks drain every cell and your only solace is silence – paralyzing silence.

They’ll label me. I’ve been labeled before. Major Depressive Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the newly not so recognized, acquired at a young age, Sensory Processing Disorder. Yay. Oh yes, let’s not forget my anxiety – social along with general.

I feel like a badly labeled clearance item. Let’s mark it one more time, maybe then someone will take it.


The Fight Continues

A continuation of yesterday’s poem…
I know what I should do. 

But I can’t seem to do it. 

I sit down with hope. 

I can’t sift through it. 

Pencil meets paper. 

So thoughts can flow free.

But something is inside

Putting its grip on me.

I have more to give. 

There’s more to be told.

I must release this demon.

I must release the hold. 


Finding A Lost Dream

Today started like any other. I woke, prepared for the day, went to my vehicle, and opened the gate to leave. As I unhooked the chain, my thoughts transcended to that burning, perplexing question, What am I doing? 

I’m going to work. I’m slaving away. I don’t like what I’m doing and I have to change it. I had a vision of waking early, but it wasn’t to pay the man. It was to feed the horses, play with the dog, and write. 

I want to write. Instead, I am focused on making a dollar. I thought about all the excuses I make for not putting pen to paper. I thought of all the famous writers who made time. They made it happen. It wouldn’t just happen for me, I had to make sure it happened for me. 

I’ve had enough of wanting. I had to want it so bad it became a necessity. 

As the day wore on, my mind changed once again. Just because I wasn’t fond of my current job, didn’t mean I had to purposefully make it miserable in order to justify, or rather co-sign, my own bullshit. I had to make my current situation just as wonderful as the thought of my proposed future situation. 

Not only do I have to make changes so I am able to fulfill my dreams of raising a horse, playing with a dog, and writing for a living, I have to make a change within my mind so I don’t sabotage my current situation. 

Who cares if it sucks. And does it really suck? No. No it doesn’t. I just think it does. I make it suck. 

So as I continue to learn and grow, I let today’s revelation transform me. I tell myself to work harder at perusing your dreams. It will never just “fall in your lap”. 

I tell myself to stop making current situations horrible. Even though it isn’t what I want, it’s what I have and I must make the best of it. 

Let this be the year we strive harder, live more, and follow our dreams with the wildest of ambitions combined with a strong desire to see it through because no one knows exactally how to make them true but yourself. 



For some of us, 2016 was one of the worst years to date. It stole some very famous, loved people, it left some of us jobless, homeless, sick, and without anymore people to love. It was a rough stretch of road.

For myself, 2016 seemed to be a beginning of hope; everything was falling into place. I had a great new job prospect, I was going to sign on a house, and a relationship that was sure to become doomed seem to be mending itself. I was certain 2016 was going to be my best year yet.  

Before the beginning of February, it slowly started to fall apart. The new job fizzled away, the house fell through, and the relationship faded. By the middle of the year, I was thinking of ways to get out of my situation. It was going in circles and I needed to jump from the ferris wheel before it sent me off a cliff.  

I ended up deciding I needed to move back home. I needed to leave the sunshine, leave some very valuable friends, leave a decent job, and leave my marriage. By the end of August, I upheaved myself and my dog back to Missouri. I moved back into my parents at 36. That was rough. It took a lot of adjusting. I did not have a job and my bills piled.  

I often give up pretty quickly, but I knew I couldn’t. 2016 wasn’t going to get me. I sent out resumes, went to many interviews, and even landed a great job with help from a friend. The job wasn’t for me. So I went out to find another. I couldn’t give up.  

While I struggled to deal with reality, it started to hit me – my unsettled emotions. I never dealt with what I left behind. I started to break.  

For me, I always try to keep a good support system. I had to cling to it. My life would depend on it.  

I am better. 2016 tried to get me and I didn’t let it. I fought to stay a float.  

Living with my parents was one of the best decisions I have ever made. They have and continue to help me everyday. There are some things they do that I am not sure I will ever be able to pay back. Everyday I am grateful.  

2016 has taught me many lessons.

1. Not everyone is your friend.

2. Trusting others is a tricky delicacy.

3. Some friends will never be replaced or will ever want to be replaced.

4. Those with less, give more.

5. We are not meant to have everything, just everything we need.

6. The word grateful means more to me than years past.

7. Friends and family are my greatest assets.

8. There is more beauty in this world that was lost to me in the past.

9. Time is not to be squandered.

10. Love with all your heart because that’s all you have.
Even though 2016 was very difficult, I had to stop and see the good. This year has taught me to stop and realize just this. Look around you, find the joy, and embrace it. If you don’t, 2017 will be just as difficult as the years before.  

Life will try you. It will test your strength. Life will try to break you and never ask if you’re okay. You have to look out for yourself, and you have to make sure to cherish the ones that love you.  

Don’t make 2017 great. Instead, fill the year with memories, joy, laughter, tears, love, friends, and doing the things you love. For if you continue to keep doing these things, 2017 won’t be great because you tried to force it, it will be great because you lived exactly how you wanted.  

Thank you for continuing to read and follow my blog. I hope you found the good inside 2016 and I hope you find even more to be grateful for in 2017.  

Happy New Year.  


It’s Not That Bad

It’s Friday, and all I can think about is how horrible the week was. However, I have to pause. I have to think about anything good, anything. So here it goes.

  1. I managed to find myself safe.
  2. I managed to not sleep in my car.
  3. I received money so I could find my way back home.
  4. People only give what they can, and that’s okay.
  5. I found the will to write 4 times.
  6. I was able to watch TV which included a horror movie.
  7. I have WiFi.
  8. My car is nice.
  9. I have good health.
  10. I have food.

There, 10 things. Not too shabby. I need to do this more often, or more than often, I will find myself in a negative thought process and the only place that will lead me is a cold shower, and orange jump suit, and a girlfriend or four. Because as we know, I’m too pretty for prison.


Happy Friday, and as someone I know would tell me, Be Blessed. For me, be grateful.